You know that feeling where you are certain you are going to get in trouble for something, like there is no possible way they could find out but the way they look at you makes you just know that somehow, in this crazy mess of lies they put the pieces together? But at the end of the day they don't say anything? And really they still don't have a clue? I was just thinking about how our feelings about something or our suspicions can make somebody else's actions and words seem so incredibly different. I've noticed this with myself, like when I don't like somebody, I read into every little thing that they say and do, if they look at me it is instantly that they were looking me up, or giving me some dirty snarl. or if they say something to me, it's just to make themselves look good for the people standing around. But although at some points i read into it a little too much, i'm normally pretty spot on correct!
I've gotten to the point of being sick of some certain people. They try to ruin my friendships and interfere with my life, and for no reason. Just for their own entertainment and immaturity. But the funny thing is that by them being so rude and stupid, it has only caused them to lose friends and encouraged me to pull my friends closer. I went through a phase of just having the stupidest friends and I was just not in a good place AT ALL. But once this school year started, I fell into a new realm. I have mad TONS of new good friends who care about me and love me the way I am. It is so amazing and I never go a morning anymore without somebody texting me just to say good morning or let me know that they love me. It is the best feeling in the world! I don't think i've ever been so happy in my life! I've grown up my whole life having people thrown in and out of my life, and now, even though i know that only maybe two or three or possibly none will stick around, i'm okay with it and going to enjoy the time I have with them now as best as I can! And it's my senior year so might as well live life on the crazy side a little bit right? ;)
When I write it is normally my personal feelings that I don't write for other people to read, so I get sooooo behind on my blogging, but from now on i'm going to put aside my personal writing and stay up on my blog, it is my definite goal for this year! And when I can finally start my novel it will make it much easier to post on my blog! My nano idea is so great! Like I am so majorly pumped about it! I can't wait to start writing it and to get it published!
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Dream Story :)
Dear Diary,
I'm bored in physics class with nothing to do, so here I am! I went to my Math Leat meet competition last weekend. We took 4th in the nation! Staying at the hotel with my closest math leat friends was so much fun! We quizzed each other on geography till 10PM! If our parents found out we stayed up that late being so unproductive they would ground us for sure! Then....the....next...day....we..........................
Mckenna's head slipped out of her hands and onto the desk.
*fade into dream*
"Hey Joe! Pass the bottle this way!" Carl hollered across the hotel room.
"Mckenna! Alex! Why don't you pretty ladies come spin the bottle with us!" Carl said adding a flirty wink and a flip of his shaggy brown hair. Mckenna and Alex looked at each other. Carl always seemed a little attractive if you took away the abundance of pimples and the constant flow of white flakes from his hair. The girls nodded in agreement sat down in a circle with their math leat buds.
"Alright Mckenna, you spin first!" Joe announced. So she adjusted her pink sequin top and spun it.
"OHHHHH!!!!" Everybody screamed in laughter as the bottle slowly chose Alex to be her kiss. They stared each other in the eyes. What Mckenna didn't know was that Alex had always had some feelings for her but never knew how to convey them. Heart pounding Mckenna leaned in to Alex while sliding her hand up her thigh.
"PROBLEMS 32 THROUGH 96 ARE DUE TUESDAY! THAT'S TWO DAYS FROM NOW! Have a nice lunch kids!" The teacher screeched quickly jerking Mckenna out of her unusually frightening dream.
"Well diary.... I will never look at Alex the same...."
I'm bored in physics class with nothing to do, so here I am! I went to my Math Leat meet competition last weekend. We took 4th in the nation! Staying at the hotel with my closest math leat friends was so much fun! We quizzed each other on geography till 10PM! If our parents found out we stayed up that late being so unproductive they would ground us for sure! Then....the....next...day....we..........................
Mckenna's head slipped out of her hands and onto the desk.
*fade into dream*
"Hey Joe! Pass the bottle this way!" Carl hollered across the hotel room.
"Mckenna! Alex! Why don't you pretty ladies come spin the bottle with us!" Carl said adding a flirty wink and a flip of his shaggy brown hair. Mckenna and Alex looked at each other. Carl always seemed a little attractive if you took away the abundance of pimples and the constant flow of white flakes from his hair. The girls nodded in agreement sat down in a circle with their math leat buds.
"Alright Mckenna, you spin first!" Joe announced. So she adjusted her pink sequin top and spun it.
"OHHHHH!!!!" Everybody screamed in laughter as the bottle slowly chose Alex to be her kiss. They stared each other in the eyes. What Mckenna didn't know was that Alex had always had some feelings for her but never knew how to convey them. Heart pounding Mckenna leaned in to Alex while sliding her hand up her thigh.
"PROBLEMS 32 THROUGH 96 ARE DUE TUESDAY! THAT'S TWO DAYS FROM NOW! Have a nice lunch kids!" The teacher screeched quickly jerking Mckenna out of her unusually frightening dream.
"Well diary.... I will never look at Alex the same...."
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
September 14th, 2013
Writing has been so hard for me lately, I am working on some stuff but it just isn't enough to meet my 500 words a day :/
Life has become so difficult in the easiest way lately. I'm so sick of people dropping in and out of my life like I don't have feelings, but on the other side i've learned to just brush it off because if they were worth my tears and heartache then they wouldn't treat me the way they do.
So a little bit about me for you new Creative Writers!
My name is Adriel, I am a cat person so don't ever mistake me for a dog kinda girl, they're cute but they're too much work! Fashion is my world, I live it and breathe it, but don't get me wrong, give me a mud hole and I will play in it! I love to hang with the boys where there are no worries, I will skateboard, paintball, dirtbike, throw around a ball, whatever as long as everybody is happy doing it! I love people but if you cross me I wont pretend to be your friend. I like food. A lot. Give me a bag of chips and they will be gone within the hour. I spend too much of my time on Netflix... The Office, The Walking Dead, Ugly Betty, Gossip Girl, 9O21O, Pretty Little Liars, Monk, The Dick Van DIke Show, anything, you name it, I probably watch it! I am a zombie junkie, I love everything to do with zombies, I have my zombie apocalypse plan, my backup apocalypse plan, and my backup backup plan... I have a 13 year old sister whom I am VERY protective of and I am not afraid to sit down and have a conversation with any boy that tries to mess with her. I have an older brother in the Air Force who I love very much, and I have the most amazing parents! I have a cat named Milo and he is my baby and if anything ever happened to him I would have to buy 50 cats to make up for him. I also have two dogs that are good dogs... but as I said, not much of a dog person. I also have the most AMAZING boyfriend in the whole world, I don't know why I ever wasted any time on any other guy, I wish I had known him so long ago! But flirt with him and I will throw a fit and we will have some serious problems! I'm not scared of too many things, but mostly birds... owls mostly, i am deathly afraid of owls... I have awesome friends that I would do anything for :) I love to write and it's one of my only ways to let my feelings out, but sometimes when I have to write because somebody tells me I have to, it stresses me out and just becomes so hard. hmmmm what else? Well I will admit I used to be one of the most judgmental and rude people you would have ever met. But one day I just decided it was time to change and I did. I'm such a different person now and I will always do my best not to make you feel judged! And I wont base my opinions on what other people say about you until I get to know you myself :) I will always give you the benefit of the doubt :D Anywayssss I think I definitely reached my 500 words! Have a great night everybody! <3
XOXO
Adriel <3
Life has become so difficult in the easiest way lately. I'm so sick of people dropping in and out of my life like I don't have feelings, but on the other side i've learned to just brush it off because if they were worth my tears and heartache then they wouldn't treat me the way they do.
So a little bit about me for you new Creative Writers!
My name is Adriel, I am a cat person so don't ever mistake me for a dog kinda girl, they're cute but they're too much work! Fashion is my world, I live it and breathe it, but don't get me wrong, give me a mud hole and I will play in it! I love to hang with the boys where there are no worries, I will skateboard, paintball, dirtbike, throw around a ball, whatever as long as everybody is happy doing it! I love people but if you cross me I wont pretend to be your friend. I like food. A lot. Give me a bag of chips and they will be gone within the hour. I spend too much of my time on Netflix... The Office, The Walking Dead, Ugly Betty, Gossip Girl, 9O21O, Pretty Little Liars, Monk, The Dick Van DIke Show, anything, you name it, I probably watch it! I am a zombie junkie, I love everything to do with zombies, I have my zombie apocalypse plan, my backup apocalypse plan, and my backup backup plan... I have a 13 year old sister whom I am VERY protective of and I am not afraid to sit down and have a conversation with any boy that tries to mess with her. I have an older brother in the Air Force who I love very much, and I have the most amazing parents! I have a cat named Milo and he is my baby and if anything ever happened to him I would have to buy 50 cats to make up for him. I also have two dogs that are good dogs... but as I said, not much of a dog person. I also have the most AMAZING boyfriend in the whole world, I don't know why I ever wasted any time on any other guy, I wish I had known him so long ago! But flirt with him and I will throw a fit and we will have some serious problems! I'm not scared of too many things, but mostly birds... owls mostly, i am deathly afraid of owls... I have awesome friends that I would do anything for :) I love to write and it's one of my only ways to let my feelings out, but sometimes when I have to write because somebody tells me I have to, it stresses me out and just becomes so hard. hmmmm what else? Well I will admit I used to be one of the most judgmental and rude people you would have ever met. But one day I just decided it was time to change and I did. I'm such a different person now and I will always do my best not to make you feel judged! And I wont base my opinions on what other people say about you until I get to know you myself :) I will always give you the benefit of the doubt :D Anywayssss I think I definitely reached my 500 words! Have a great night everybody! <3
XOXO
Adriel <3
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
September 11th, 2013
It stalks me like its prey.
Beats me down like the desert sun.
Counts my every breath.
Watches my every move,
takes away everything dear to me.
There will be no survivors.
We are all helpless victims.
Hope is a delicacy.
Despair is a plague.
The earth in which we live on is relentless.
It wont give up until every smile has faded.
It watches me day and night.
Soon I will fall to its feet.
Be buried in its dirt.
And I will be another failure for mankind.
But a victory for the earth.
-Adriel McCuan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember when I said I couldn't live without you?
That my heart would stop beating?
Or when I told you I could never love another?
Well my love...
I'm still alive,
my heart is still beating.
And I know I will love again.
-Adriel McCuan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Her name is Regret.
She seems to have become a very close friend.
She is always there whether I want her or not.
If I have no need for her,
she will make one.
She thrives off my pain.
It is her fuel.
The only thing keeping her going.
Without my misery she is lost.
So she will stop at nothing to destroy me.
No matter what I do.
No matter how hard I try.
She will never leave.
Thus,
I am Hopeless.
-Adriel McCuan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I tried to pass a test with no right answers.
To win a game with no end.
A riot with no purpose.
Your love was hopeless.
There was no purpose.
Your love is equal to a test with no answers.
A waste of time.
-Adriel McCuan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She takes much pride in her beauty. She wears it and she flaunts it. She is absorbed in it. To talk about something other than herself would be too out of the ordinary. She has the body, the clothes, hair, lashes, nails, makeup, she's got it all. But do not be deceived, for this girl is not beautiful, her heart is dark, it is selfish and it's intentions are rarely for the good of others. She is a sight to wake up to, but a burden to come home to. She does not care for your love, but how good you can make her feel and the appearance you give her. Do not chase a girl for her fleeting figure, because underneath is a profane heart and poisonous intent. Instead pursue a woman, one with a beautiful and everlasting heart filled with love and selflesness. For that my friend, is a beautiful woman, one that is a joy to come home to and an escape from life's trials. Chase a woman, not a girl.
-Adriel McCuan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm caught in a web of my own broken dreams...
September 10th, 2013
The locked door behind the locked door...
I know not what is behind my second door, but what I do know is that it will be a challenge to unlock. The last door was hard, and this one will only be more difficult. I feel like an open book with myself, but i'm sure there is something new to learn about myself. Something fantastic to remember, something that will change my outlook on life.
But I think that when I do get that door open, that there will be somebody behind it. Somebody holding a book. One book, filled with everything about me, everything I do and don't want to know. I do know that when that door is opened it will unlock countless secrets. And I will not like seeing them be revealed. So altogether, I am nervous for this year, i'm scared to unlock any more doors. They are chained up for a reason, I put them back there and threw away the key to never be found again, because I wanted them locked away. Opening them up will hurt, and it will be disheartening, but it's what needs to happen.
Secrets were never made to stay a secret.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just another ring around the tree,
that's what you are.
A single blade of grass,
no different than the others.
Nothing but a pinch of salt in the ocean.
Just another phase in my life
-Adriel McCuan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pure nothingness,
not a taste on my tongue,
not a thought in my mind.
Nothing can please me.
The only craving I have is for joy.
I know not why I feel this way....
Then again,
I don't really feel anything.
Pure nothingness.
A world with no color.
No light.
Like a dark hole that never ends.
I feel no warmth from the sun beating down on my skin.
I don't even feel the wind that looks to be whipping through my hair.
I feel nothing.
Pure Nothingness.
-Adriel McCuan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The teller of time.
The proof of hard work.
the holder of reality.
The hands of a mother.
A story.
A tale of wisdom and love.
-Adriel McCuan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A smile is the sun on a stormy day.
A glimmer of hope when you can't get out.
A soft voice when you feel so alone.
A smile is an oasis in a forgotten desert.
-Adriel McCuan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They don't listen to my screams in the night.
They don't care.
My words are nothing but a faint whisper in the breeze to them.
They don't love,
they don't feel.
They want me to feel alone.
Empty.
Hopeless.
-Adriel McCuan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tears over run by rage.
Remorse taken over by revenge.
Gave you the key to my dreams.
And you used it to lock them away.
-Adriel McCuan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every word that leaves your lips.
Every syllable just drives the knife in.
Deeper into my chest.
Please kill me already,
this pain is too much for me.
I'm too weak.
I lost all power to fight back.
Your words have over taken me.
There's no turning back now.
What's done is done.
I'm done.
-Adriel McCuan
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
September 9th, 2013
Her lethal words attack me like a starving pack of wolves.
She cute me open and prepared me for the end.
Her cold colorless eyes locked with mine,
as her lifeless pale fingers combed through my hair.
"You did this to me."
She shoved her lies down my throat.
Her words wrapped themselves around my lungs,
they tightened their grip.
I struggled and gasped for air,
but they were relentless.
Her lies slowly suffocated me.
Her lies killed me.
-Adriel McCuan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A flash flood came,
and in the blink of an eye,
gone.
Every last one,
lost.
No explanation,
no reason,
nothing I could do to stop it.
And that's it.
One by one,
they all washed away.
Friends are not to be taken for granted.
Because at any moment,
they can all wash away,
even on the sunniest of days.
-Adriel McCuan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tired of the lies,
everything is a lie.
You wear too many faces.
Too many lies.
You are a lie.
-Adriel McCuan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Well another wonderful year has started, my last year in highschool. Awhhhh the sweet feeling of senior year! Graduation is just a hop an a skip away! I'm geared for success this year! Apply to colleges, keep my grades close to godliness, stay out of trouble.... ok well maybe not so much that... But i'm going to try my hardest! My life is ready to take off!!! I'm ready to grow up and start taking on some more responsibilities and to earn and work for the things I want! I wanna make a difference in the world, I don't know how, but I don't want to sit back and just watch things happen and stay tucked away in my cozy comfortable life. I may not be well known, but I want to help people, because everybody deserves a second chance at life.
But either way! I'm super excited for this year! It's going to be awesome! I'm ready to write all year! And i'm prepared for some NANO this year!!!! :D
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Mayb 28th, 2013 (206 words)
Oh hunny, you think you can do that? Well you can't.
You think you can throw your friends on the ground and stomp on us, laugh at us and betray us, and then you can just sit with us and everything will be fine? Oh HELL NO!!! Let me just put this out here plain and simple. We don't like you, we don't want you around, we don't want you in our lives. You are a lying, backstabbing, manipulative psycho b****. That's what we think, all of us. I think it's sad what you've done to yourself, you tore yourself down, and turned everybody against yourself. And now you are trying to get friends through sympathy? hahaha that's funny, you know what else it is? Pathetic. You are the most two faced person i've ever met in my life, so it's time for you to get out of here, because we don't want you. You better watch out before I lose my temper.
"I miss you like drama queens and cat fights and braces on prom night
i miss you like boy bands and cheap cologne, our song and chaperones and all the other things that i've outgrown"
Miss You Being Gone by The Band Perry
You think you can throw your friends on the ground and stomp on us, laugh at us and betray us, and then you can just sit with us and everything will be fine? Oh HELL NO!!! Let me just put this out here plain and simple. We don't like you, we don't want you around, we don't want you in our lives. You are a lying, backstabbing, manipulative psycho b****. That's what we think, all of us. I think it's sad what you've done to yourself, you tore yourself down, and turned everybody against yourself. And now you are trying to get friends through sympathy? hahaha that's funny, you know what else it is? Pathetic. You are the most two faced person i've ever met in my life, so it's time for you to get out of here, because we don't want you. You better watch out before I lose my temper.
"I miss you like drama queens and cat fights and braces on prom night
i miss you like boy bands and cheap cologne, our song and chaperones and all the other things that i've outgrown"
Miss You Being Gone by The Band Perry
May 21, 2013 (267 words)
Time flies too fast at the end of the school year, i'm not sure how much more I can take. I just need to be done and get out of here... I have grown to hate this school more than anything. There is a certain group of of who have always been in the "keep watch" group for teachers, we make one move and we are instantly analyzed and asked what we are doing. Something happens at school and all the fingers are pointed at us. I'm sick of it, it needs to stop.
Also the dress code... ugh it pisses me off! I got in trouble recently for a skirt that met requirements, the teacher even told me it did, then she told me that it just looked good and might be distracting! What am I supposed to do?!? Dress like a freaking pilgrim?!? Then there's this one girl in one of my classes and she wears little boxer shorts EVERYDAY! And guess what? She has never gotten in trouble! EVER! I am about to lose my mind! This school does not work by the rules, I follow the rules and I still get in trouble! The dress code works like this:
Oh, you look good in that! Go change.
Or.
You have a big butt and those pants make it look good. go change.
NO MORE!!!! I don't care anymore!
They make their rules by how they feel and I wont stand for it anymore! I've been picked on by this school since 8th grade year! And I wont put up with it anymore! AHGHIDAHJGEOUAHGUIEOHGE........
Also the dress code... ugh it pisses me off! I got in trouble recently for a skirt that met requirements, the teacher even told me it did, then she told me that it just looked good and might be distracting! What am I supposed to do?!? Dress like a freaking pilgrim?!? Then there's this one girl in one of my classes and she wears little boxer shorts EVERYDAY! And guess what? She has never gotten in trouble! EVER! I am about to lose my mind! This school does not work by the rules, I follow the rules and I still get in trouble! The dress code works like this:
Oh, you look good in that! Go change.
Or.
You have a big butt and those pants make it look good. go change.
NO MORE!!!! I don't care anymore!
They make their rules by how they feel and I wont stand for it anymore! I've been picked on by this school since 8th grade year! And I wont put up with it anymore! AHGHIDAHJGEOUAHGUIEOHGE........
Monday, May 20, 2013
May 20th, 2013 (345 words)
I live a pretty average life, I hang out with my friends on weekends, go to school, spend time with my family. I don't have anything amazing that I do to brag about, i'm not some competitive swimmer going on to big colleges, or an actress or a singer. But what I am is what I love, a writer. Writing is my outlet, some people say writing is their hobby, but not for me, it's my way of life. I live and breathe it, I think about it every moment of every day. Writing is my best friend, my safe place, the only one who wont tell my secrets or betray me, Writing has helped me discover myself and who I am and what I want to be. When I write I am no longer Adriel, that girl from school that loves clothes, I am ADRIEL the girl that lives every day as though it is her last, that makes everyday an adventure, ADRIEL who is always right there when people need her, someone who serves a purpose in this world. When I write, I know who I want to be, I know what I want to do, and who I am. Everything is so much simpler on paper, the things that I can't figure out in life, all I need is a pen and paper and i've got them all figured out. And life is so much more beautiful when you write about it. Such as, a flower is no longer a flower, it is a symbol of joy and of life, and it shows that life does end, some gradually die in their own time and some are crushed under the shoes of other people, or chopped by a lawn mower before it's their time to go. They show that people will use you just like the bees use their pollen, but it's the way life is. See? Writing is a new way of life. Writing saved my life. Without it, I would just be Adriel, but because of writing I am ADRIEL!
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
March 16th, 2013 (85 words)
Pure nothingness, not a taste on my tongue, not a thought in my mind. Nothing can please me, the only craving I have is for joy. I know not why I feel this way. Then again, I don't really feel anything. Pure nothingness. A world with no color, no light. Like a dark hole that never ends. I feel no warmth from the sun beating down on my skin, I don't even feel the wind that seems to be whipping through my hair. PURE NOTHINGNESS.
March 15th, 2013 (533 words)
What would drive a person to betray everyone that loves them?
I usually refrain from blogging about other people, but this is just something that I need to write about. Maybe writing about it will give me some clarity.
I had a friend, one that meant more than the world to me. She was the one person in this world that I had trusted with EVERYTHING. She knew every single one of my darkest secrets. But one day, out of no where she freaked out on me. No one has ever said such cruel things to me before that night. It was all over text and I couldn't take the drama anymore, (another close friend was mad at me to and texting me about it) So i turned my phone of for the night. The friendship came to a complete stop without a word being spoken between us. I was crushed. I lost my best friend and hadn't the slightest clue why.
Then I started hearing things, from EVERYONE, things that nobody knew about me except for her. And all of a sudden other people knew my deepest secrets. Soon i came to the horrifying realization... Everything that I had told this girl, the one person I trusted... She told other people... Someone that wasn't even my friend yet told me everything she knew about me.. But it gets worse, half of these things weren't even true! Then I s tarted hearing all the horrible rumors this girl had spread about me. What was wrong with her? It was so scary to hear all the crazy things that she was making up about me. I also soon realized that she was doing it to others now. She was telling their secrets that they had trusted her with and she was making up out of this world freaky things about them. What had come over her? The longer this went on the more I realized how manipulative and controlling she was. I realized that she had told lies about other people to keep me from being friends with them. And it worked.
Now she has lost everyone, all her best friends, none of us want anything to do with her anymore. We all still love her and care about her, but friendship will never be an option again for her. I could never be friends with someone so untrustworthy, someone who lies about me, and especially not someone so controlling.
It's like she has a disease, one that forces her to hurt and betray people. She ripped apart so many peoples lives. And now she things that a simple apology will make it ok? NO! She is going to have to show that she is sorry before any of us even start to consider letting her back into our lives. If we ever do. I don't think I will quite honestly.
Well it certainly felt good to vent, but i don't think i'll ever find clarity. I think it's because there is no excuse for treating people so horribly. But what i did find is forgiveness, I forgive her for hurting me, I still want nothing to do with her, but I forgive her.
I usually refrain from blogging about other people, but this is just something that I need to write about. Maybe writing about it will give me some clarity.
I had a friend, one that meant more than the world to me. She was the one person in this world that I had trusted with EVERYTHING. She knew every single one of my darkest secrets. But one day, out of no where she freaked out on me. No one has ever said such cruel things to me before that night. It was all over text and I couldn't take the drama anymore, (another close friend was mad at me to and texting me about it) So i turned my phone of for the night. The friendship came to a complete stop without a word being spoken between us. I was crushed. I lost my best friend and hadn't the slightest clue why.
Then I started hearing things, from EVERYONE, things that nobody knew about me except for her. And all of a sudden other people knew my deepest secrets. Soon i came to the horrifying realization... Everything that I had told this girl, the one person I trusted... She told other people... Someone that wasn't even my friend yet told me everything she knew about me.. But it gets worse, half of these things weren't even true! Then I s tarted hearing all the horrible rumors this girl had spread about me. What was wrong with her? It was so scary to hear all the crazy things that she was making up about me. I also soon realized that she was doing it to others now. She was telling their secrets that they had trusted her with and she was making up out of this world freaky things about them. What had come over her? The longer this went on the more I realized how manipulative and controlling she was. I realized that she had told lies about other people to keep me from being friends with them. And it worked.
Now she has lost everyone, all her best friends, none of us want anything to do with her anymore. We all still love her and care about her, but friendship will never be an option again for her. I could never be friends with someone so untrustworthy, someone who lies about me, and especially not someone so controlling.
It's like she has a disease, one that forces her to hurt and betray people. She ripped apart so many peoples lives. And now she things that a simple apology will make it ok? NO! She is going to have to show that she is sorry before any of us even start to consider letting her back into our lives. If we ever do. I don't think I will quite honestly.
Well it certainly felt good to vent, but i don't think i'll ever find clarity. I think it's because there is no excuse for treating people so horribly. But what i did find is forgiveness, I forgive her for hurting me, I still want nothing to do with her, but I forgive her.
March 14th, 2013 (389 words)
I have had a weird thing about dreams lately, so here is some stuff that I wrote down about dreaming.
Have you ever waken up from a dream and thought that it was so random it made no sense? That it was so unrealistic and out of this world?
Well have you ever thought that maybe it is perfectly normal and makes complete sense? But we are too restricted in our thoughts that we find these dreams to be completely unrealistic? Dreaming is the only time when every locked door in our brain opens, the only time that our mind is free to wander.
So maybe these things are so real that we don't realize it because we don't know how to let our thoughts roam wild and be what they want.
________________________________________________________________________
Dreams bring back old fears and instill so many new fears in me. I've had two dreams lately that have seriously scared the living shit out of me.
I had one that a very close family friend tried to rape me... It was so scary, he tried to do it in front of my little sister but someone else came in time that he didn't get to. Then i had another one that two teenage boys broke into my house, and I thought I had heard something in our bonus room so I opened the door to look when I saw them. I ran for the stairs but they grabbed my feet, so I threw my arms around the stair case rail and held on for dear life. I was trying to scream but nothing would come out so nobody could come save me. So they dragged me away and then I woke up.
Both of these dreams were both so horrifying, what would make me dream of such horrible things? I'm honestly a little scared to go to sleep.. but I will keep trying, and maybe these nightmares will eventually go away. But it affects my life everyday, I can't be around that man without thinking of that dream, and being a little bit scared of him, and I have to leave the light on in our bonus room and the doors open as often as I can, and I am always careful to walk by. I sure do hope these go away soon :/
Have you ever waken up from a dream and thought that it was so random it made no sense? That it was so unrealistic and out of this world?
Well have you ever thought that maybe it is perfectly normal and makes complete sense? But we are too restricted in our thoughts that we find these dreams to be completely unrealistic? Dreaming is the only time when every locked door in our brain opens, the only time that our mind is free to wander.
So maybe these things are so real that we don't realize it because we don't know how to let our thoughts roam wild and be what they want.
________________________________________________________________________
Dreams bring back old fears and instill so many new fears in me. I've had two dreams lately that have seriously scared the living shit out of me.
I had one that a very close family friend tried to rape me... It was so scary, he tried to do it in front of my little sister but someone else came in time that he didn't get to. Then i had another one that two teenage boys broke into my house, and I thought I had heard something in our bonus room so I opened the door to look when I saw them. I ran for the stairs but they grabbed my feet, so I threw my arms around the stair case rail and held on for dear life. I was trying to scream but nothing would come out so nobody could come save me. So they dragged me away and then I woke up.
Both of these dreams were both so horrifying, what would make me dream of such horrible things? I'm honestly a little scared to go to sleep.. but I will keep trying, and maybe these nightmares will eventually go away. But it affects my life everyday, I can't be around that man without thinking of that dream, and being a little bit scared of him, and I have to leave the light on in our bonus room and the doors open as often as I can, and I am always careful to walk by. I sure do hope these go away soon :/
March 13th, 2013 (242 words)
To be free,
Like a butterfly in a meadow full of daisies,
an indian on the vast plain,
or a dolphin in the clearest of waters.
It's all i've ever wanted.
To be careless.
Filled with abundant joy and hope,
to be able to walk down the street with no feelings of judgment.
To never have to worry about tomorrow.
Carefree.
Joyful.
Hopeful.
Freedom.
_________________________
Do I dare close my eyes?
To throw myself into the inevitable world of dreams?
Uncontrollable thoughts of you in my sleep,
they may just drive me over the edge.
I knew you were something special when you broke my heart.
Because it hurt more than anything i could imagine.
More than knife in my gut,
or twenty shots in my leg.
It was an emotional pain,
one that you can't put some stitches on or go to the hospital for.
It was the greatest pain anybody could feel.
I knew you were something special when I told my mama i love you,
and all she could say was "I know darling."
I knew you were something special the moment I realized that when i'm not with you.
I never stop thinking of you.
You persist to follow me into my dreams,
the one place where I cannot control my thoughts.
The place where I lose all control.
You became my something special when you told me you loved me.
And guess what?
I love you too.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
March 12th, 2013 (465 words!!!)
I think I just made one of my first big life changing decisions. I've been looking into college like any normal high schooler would, and i've been excited to settle down with a family and have a steady job! But then I realized something the other day. It just hit me like a brick wall! I DON'T WANT TO BE NORMAL! Why should I live my life like everybody else?!? What's the purpose in wasting my money on college? Or having a routine life where I wake up make the coffee go to work come home to my husband, watch a TV show and go to bed? I understand that some people want routine, but I don't want anywhere near it! So here's what i've decided.
I want to travel! I will wait a year after high school, and then I will grab my backpack and go! I will start in Ireland, then make my way South and East and blah blah blah! There is so much world our there! Why shouldn't I experience it? I don't want to wake up knowing what i'll do that day! I want to wake up, put on my backpack and just go wherever my feet take me! How amazing does that sound?!? And if i'm lucky maybe i'll have somebody that would go with me! Other countries are so different than the U.S., like I can't just go somewhere and ask if i can work for a meal, I have to fill out an application, get an interview, then if i'm lucky i'll get hired. But in other countries I can just go to the market and offer my services for the day so I can get some food or a place to sleep! I'm so excited about this! I really think this is how I want to live my life! But there is one thinggggggg, my parents... I don't think they are like determined on me going to college and being successful, but i'm not sure how they would feel about me leaving......
Oh and here's another thing! I've always dreamed of a big and grand wedding! i've always wanted that! I have my whole wedding planned and everything! But then I decided, why should I waste my money on that? When I can spend it on traveling? And then instead of house stuff for my wedding gifts I can just request money for my travels??? Doesn't this just sound fantastic?!? I'm so excited! I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for days! I want to get a map that I can write on and put marks on everywhere I want to go!
Ok :) Thanks for listening to my life plans! have a great night everybody!
I want to travel! I will wait a year after high school, and then I will grab my backpack and go! I will start in Ireland, then make my way South and East and blah blah blah! There is so much world our there! Why shouldn't I experience it? I don't want to wake up knowing what i'll do that day! I want to wake up, put on my backpack and just go wherever my feet take me! How amazing does that sound?!? And if i'm lucky maybe i'll have somebody that would go with me! Other countries are so different than the U.S., like I can't just go somewhere and ask if i can work for a meal, I have to fill out an application, get an interview, then if i'm lucky i'll get hired. But in other countries I can just go to the market and offer my services for the day so I can get some food or a place to sleep! I'm so excited about this! I really think this is how I want to live my life! But there is one thinggggggg, my parents... I don't think they are like determined on me going to college and being successful, but i'm not sure how they would feel about me leaving......
Oh and here's another thing! I've always dreamed of a big and grand wedding! i've always wanted that! I have my whole wedding planned and everything! But then I decided, why should I waste my money on that? When I can spend it on traveling? And then instead of house stuff for my wedding gifts I can just request money for my travels??? Doesn't this just sound fantastic?!? I'm so excited! I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for days! I want to get a map that I can write on and put marks on everywhere I want to go!
Ok :) Thanks for listening to my life plans! have a great night everybody!
March 11th, 2013 (375 words!!!)
I hate the way girls look at each other in instant judgement. The way so many girls will take one look at someone and see every flaw possible;
"Look at that pimple, ew like doesn't she take care of herself?"
Or
"She definitely gained five pounds last summer"
Or my personal favorite,
"Why would any guy ever date her? I'm way prettier!"
Seriously, girls are just bitches. Why is it so hard to look at someone and say, wow she is really beautiful, or of course she has her issues, but she deserves the world.
Well i'm going to tell you a little secret.
EVERY GIRL DESERVES SOMEONE WHO WILL GIVE HER THE WORLD!
I don't care if she's a whore,
or a liar, or a backstabbing gossiping psychotic crazy chic! There's someone out there for everyone! and they all deserve that person!
Have you ever met one of those girls who will just say anything and do anything to make sure that you aren't happy? Someone that tries to turn your friends against you, or attempts to make you live in fear because she knows things about you that nobody else does?
Well here's what you do, don't let it bother you! If they want to do that to you, then they aren't worth a moment of your time, it doesn't mean you should hate them and want them to be unhappy. But they don't have to be a part of your life, and as for the things they are doing to you? Don't sweat it, your real friends wont believe it, they will take your side and stand up for you, and in the end, the person that has tried to turn everyone against you just turns everyone agains his/herself. Everybody will see that persons true colors, and by the time it's over they wont want anything to do with them. Gossiping about people doesn't make others want to be your friend, or trust you. I know, i've been there, and life is so much easier without trying to spread rumors about other people or make them look stupid. So can we just all like chill out and live life to the fullest? :)
Thanks for listening to my vent post :P
"Look at that pimple, ew like doesn't she take care of herself?"
Or
"She definitely gained five pounds last summer"
Or my personal favorite,
"Why would any guy ever date her? I'm way prettier!"
Seriously, girls are just bitches. Why is it so hard to look at someone and say, wow she is really beautiful, or of course she has her issues, but she deserves the world.
Well i'm going to tell you a little secret.
EVERY GIRL DESERVES SOMEONE WHO WILL GIVE HER THE WORLD!
I don't care if she's a whore,
or a liar, or a backstabbing gossiping psychotic crazy chic! There's someone out there for everyone! and they all deserve that person!
Have you ever met one of those girls who will just say anything and do anything to make sure that you aren't happy? Someone that tries to turn your friends against you, or attempts to make you live in fear because she knows things about you that nobody else does?
Well here's what you do, don't let it bother you! If they want to do that to you, then they aren't worth a moment of your time, it doesn't mean you should hate them and want them to be unhappy. But they don't have to be a part of your life, and as for the things they are doing to you? Don't sweat it, your real friends wont believe it, they will take your side and stand up for you, and in the end, the person that has tried to turn everyone against you just turns everyone agains his/herself. Everybody will see that persons true colors, and by the time it's over they wont want anything to do with them. Gossiping about people doesn't make others want to be your friend, or trust you. I know, i've been there, and life is so much easier without trying to spread rumors about other people or make them look stupid. So can we just all like chill out and live life to the fullest? :)
Thanks for listening to my vent post :P
March 10th, 2013 (502 words!!!)
The art of self destruction. Lies. Once we tell a lie, it becomes a part of us, and when we are caught, some of us will own up to it. While others will tell another one to get out of it until they are caught again. Once a single lie is told enough times we start to believe them ourselves, we convince ourselves that these new inventions of the truth are reality, that it's what truly happened. Until one day, our whole life is a lie.
Although lying is an evil and despicable act, it is also an art. It takes pure creativity to design a new lie to cover an old one. It takes wit, and originality, imagination and individuality, it is a true skill.
I tip my hat and nod my head to those who can lie day after day, I am on one side jealous of their amazing capability of thinking up anything on the spot, to be able to make up a whole new life for yourself every single day. To look someone you love and care about in the face and tell them anything but the truth. But I am also desolate for them, I can't imagine the dark world that they would have to live in to be so deceptive and scheming.
I wonder what pushes one to be such a fraud, like a counterfeit dollar that makes its way through hundreds of lives without being caught or accused. What could make someone so scared to tell the truth that they feel as though they must live a lie?
Could it be society? Because we must lead perfect and beautiful lives? Or is it the fear of being caught in our mistakes? That we are so guilty that we would tell any lie to get away from having to face the truth?
Even though nobody may know our lies, we do, and I believe that every single one eats away at you. Like a termite slowly eats away at your houses foundation. Your lies will slowly eat away at your humility, your self worth, and who you are. You will soon forget whom you used to be, because each lie will lure you deeper into a dark world, one in which there is possibly no way out. One that will torture you, and isolate you from all that is pure and beautiful. If there is a way out, it is honesty, owning up to every deceptive lie that has ever left your deceitful lips.
Lies are the demolition of ones self, no matter what, it will just dig a hole in our lives until there is nowhere left to stand, until all that is good and honest is gone. Until we have become a lie, our whole lives, a lie. Every lie you tell is a part of you. So be careful of what you say, and be attentive to your actions. Direct your capability to think up a lie so quickly to something more useful.
Although lying is an evil and despicable act, it is also an art. It takes pure creativity to design a new lie to cover an old one. It takes wit, and originality, imagination and individuality, it is a true skill.
I tip my hat and nod my head to those who can lie day after day, I am on one side jealous of their amazing capability of thinking up anything on the spot, to be able to make up a whole new life for yourself every single day. To look someone you love and care about in the face and tell them anything but the truth. But I am also desolate for them, I can't imagine the dark world that they would have to live in to be so deceptive and scheming.
I wonder what pushes one to be such a fraud, like a counterfeit dollar that makes its way through hundreds of lives without being caught or accused. What could make someone so scared to tell the truth that they feel as though they must live a lie?
Could it be society? Because we must lead perfect and beautiful lives? Or is it the fear of being caught in our mistakes? That we are so guilty that we would tell any lie to get away from having to face the truth?
Even though nobody may know our lies, we do, and I believe that every single one eats away at you. Like a termite slowly eats away at your houses foundation. Your lies will slowly eat away at your humility, your self worth, and who you are. You will soon forget whom you used to be, because each lie will lure you deeper into a dark world, one in which there is possibly no way out. One that will torture you, and isolate you from all that is pure and beautiful. If there is a way out, it is honesty, owning up to every deceptive lie that has ever left your deceitful lips.
Lies are the demolition of ones self, no matter what, it will just dig a hole in our lives until there is nowhere left to stand, until all that is good and honest is gone. Until we have become a lie, our whole lives, a lie. Every lie you tell is a part of you. So be careful of what you say, and be attentive to your actions. Direct your capability to think up a lie so quickly to something more useful.
Monday, March 25, 2013
March 9th, 2013 (529 words!!!)
I don't want to play your childish games, if you don't want to be my friend for no apparent reason, then ok, I don't need to let you push me around, nobody believes the BS you're saying anyways. So this isn't hurting me at all. You are making up things in your head, coming up with reasons to hate me, so ok, that's your decision. If you don't want to be friends then ok, if you want to be friends then say something and we can work it out! But don't go around playing your little games, don't gossip about me and spread rumors, I mean it's just making you look stupid, I didn't do anything to you, and you think that i'm lost without you? Hun, I am perfectly fine without you :) I'm living life and loving it! I have tons of friends who care about me, I still care about you, but I guess I will just love you from a distance :)
But don't go around whining about how nobody loves you, because seriously, we are all standing right here, we care about you and love you, but you wont let us, instead you chose to make up lies, so many that i think you are starting to convince yourself they're true! It's getting annoying, just throw the cards in already, because in case you haven't noticed, i'm not playing along, i'm not coming back to you on my knees begging for you to be my friend again silly, i don't need that! If you're going to be a sucky drama causing friend, then i'm not interested in a friendship with you, it isn't worth my time, i'm not going to waste my time on your lies and gossip :) But you need to get your stuff figured out, because you are hurting and irritating a lot of people, and you are driving the rest insane! But I wish you the best of luck in life :) And I hope it treats you well, I don't wish anything bad upon you, I don't hate you, I just don't need you, but I hope your relationship with your boyfriend is amazing, you guys are so cute together! And i hope that your best friend and you build so many amazing memories, I hope that the dreams and memories that haunt you go away, that the man who hurt you will be severely punished, because it is not ok to treat you the way he did. I hope that you live your life to the fullest, and that you are always happy, I hope that someday you can find a way to feel comforted without hurting yourself. I love your fun and quirky style, I love your accepting and loving personality, you never judge anyone and that was one of my favorite things about you! You always know how to bring a smile to someones face and brighten their day, it's an amazing gift that you have! I hope you learn to live everyday like it's your last and I hope you are overwhelmed with pure happiness and joy. I love you no matter what Hammy.
XOXO
But don't go around whining about how nobody loves you, because seriously, we are all standing right here, we care about you and love you, but you wont let us, instead you chose to make up lies, so many that i think you are starting to convince yourself they're true! It's getting annoying, just throw the cards in already, because in case you haven't noticed, i'm not playing along, i'm not coming back to you on my knees begging for you to be my friend again silly, i don't need that! If you're going to be a sucky drama causing friend, then i'm not interested in a friendship with you, it isn't worth my time, i'm not going to waste my time on your lies and gossip :) But you need to get your stuff figured out, because you are hurting and irritating a lot of people, and you are driving the rest insane! But I wish you the best of luck in life :) And I hope it treats you well, I don't wish anything bad upon you, I don't hate you, I just don't need you, but I hope your relationship with your boyfriend is amazing, you guys are so cute together! And i hope that your best friend and you build so many amazing memories, I hope that the dreams and memories that haunt you go away, that the man who hurt you will be severely punished, because it is not ok to treat you the way he did. I hope that you live your life to the fullest, and that you are always happy, I hope that someday you can find a way to feel comforted without hurting yourself. I love your fun and quirky style, I love your accepting and loving personality, you never judge anyone and that was one of my favorite things about you! You always know how to bring a smile to someones face and brighten their day, it's an amazing gift that you have! I hope you learn to live everyday like it's your last and I hope you are overwhelmed with pure happiness and joy. I love you no matter what Hammy.
XOXO
March 8th, 2013 (563 words!!!)
I don't
mind if you tell me how you feel, what is going on in your life or ask for
advice, i love that people come to me :) BUT! Please don't only talk to me when
you need someone to listen to your problems, because I want to be your friend,
and hear the good in your life too! Not just what's wrong, I don't want to be
the person that you ignore and talk to once every few months to tell me about
how your boyfriend dumped you and tell me how miserable your life is. I want to
hear about the trip you took to Venice, and about your sweet 16 and how your
family is doing, and everything that makes you happy! I want to know the full
story, not just the bad.
I saw a
man in a suit leaning over a bridge the other day, and it was instant Deja Vu!
17 AGAIN!!!! When I saw that I started going on and on about how that man is
about to fall off of that bridge and go back to being 17 and blah blah blah,
the girl I was in the car with just stared at me like I was crazy... But when
you hear about a 17 year old boy claiming that he is really 30 or 40.....
you'll know why :)
Wow i
am only at 230 words :/ this is hard!!!
Well, I
had a thought the other day, one that i actually want to act on. One that will
change my life forever. I don't want to wait till I graduate to start living,
why should I wait? I could die at any moment, and I would not be ready to, I
didn't live my life to the fullest I could! So I want to live every day like
it's my last, yes i know that is a little cliché, but it's true, I want to do
something amazing everyday, I don't want to spend anymore time sitting on the
couch watching TV or playing games. I don't want to spend any more time
worrying, being sad or angry. Why should I waste life being angry at someone?
It will pass! Shit happens and there is nothing I can do about it! So might as
well just roll with it! I want to wake up every morning ready to face the day!
Not knowing what I’m going to do, but just do it! I want to do amazing stuff! I
want to see the world! I realize that traveling isn't much of an option right
now, but one day it will be! I want to make people smile, make their day
better, not worry about how silly or stupid i look! Even if it's just dancing
across the street, buying a stranger a cup of coffee, telling a girl she looks
beautiful, or just a simple smile, anything can brighten someone’s day :) I
want to be an adventurer! See the world a whole different way than anyone else!
Live life the best I can!!! I don't want to argue with my sister, or fight with
my parents, I don't want to take my brother for granted, because he could be
gone any day, I don't want to waste one more day!!! It's time to start
living life a whole new way :)
Thursday, March 7, 2013
March 7th, 2013 (745 words!!!)
I keep telling myself i'll find the time to put all of my writing onto this blog and catch up but I just don't. So i'm just starting over, clean slate. I can do it this time. No matter what.
My world is crashing down on me. I've never felt so low, so depressed, so hopeless. The person I loved decided I wasn't worth his time and found a new girl to play with. I tried to do the right thing and tell my friend I was happy for him with his new girl, even though I don't get along with her. But when i really think about it, past the differences we've had, I really do care about her, and if someone were to hurt her I would gladly stand by her side. But words got mixed up and feelings got hurt. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm losing the people I love the most. I get too caught up in trying to make everyone happy, and to make everyone feel loved that I get stressed, and I lash out at people sometimes, and it pushes them away. If i've done this to you, i'm sorry. I really do love you, and I really do care about you. I admit that I used to have a gossip problem, and i'm sorry if i've ever hurt you with that, but when I said I was past that I meant it, I work hard everyday not to gossip, and when I do say things to other people, it's to my dearest friends that I trust the most, but when I need advice, or just need someone to talk to, not to gossip. I want high school to be over. The drama is too much for me to handle, knowing that life will go on, and that I want to live a full life is the only reason i'm holding on right now.
Every morning I wake up and I put on my smile, when i'm hurting I typically don't show it, I don't like people to feel burdened with my problems. I just want to be there for everyone else. I put up a standard for myself that I can't reach, no matter how hard I try i'm not going to be perfect, and I will screw up, and I will hurt the ones I love, I know this, but I hate it. I hate hurting people, I don't want to, words are too easily distorted and made into something else.
I feel like a boomerang that has been put away in a dusty box for a long time. But one day a happy little girl finds me, and she takes me outside to play. She throws me, and I slice through the air, i'm free, finally. But right when everything feels ok, I turn around and land right back into her hands, she puts me back in the box and the cycle goes on. Every time I get a taste of happiness and freedom, and I just feel like everything is going to be alright, I come right back even through i'm trying my hardest to keep going, and I get put back into the dreadful place I hate most. I can't take this world anymore, it's too dark, there is too much hate, I don't want to be angry with anyone anymore, I don't want to let people hurt me, so from now on, I will just walk away from it and love them anyways. And I will keep waking up and putting on my smile, and I will try my absolute hardest to be happy even when i'm not, and I will keep working on being a good friend to everyone, I don't want to be the girl that people think I am, it is ruining me, and I am going to prove to the world that I can rise above the immature ways of high school, I am a young adult, so i'm going to act like it. No more getting caught up in drama, people can keep it to themselves because i'm done. I will be there when people need me, but I wont participate in their drama, I will love everyone the way they are, whether they are crazy red heads that shove their ponies in your face or super smart kids who call me dumb and make weird noises at me, I will make this year count.
My world is crashing down on me. I've never felt so low, so depressed, so hopeless. The person I loved decided I wasn't worth his time and found a new girl to play with. I tried to do the right thing and tell my friend I was happy for him with his new girl, even though I don't get along with her. But when i really think about it, past the differences we've had, I really do care about her, and if someone were to hurt her I would gladly stand by her side. But words got mixed up and feelings got hurt. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm losing the people I love the most. I get too caught up in trying to make everyone happy, and to make everyone feel loved that I get stressed, and I lash out at people sometimes, and it pushes them away. If i've done this to you, i'm sorry. I really do love you, and I really do care about you. I admit that I used to have a gossip problem, and i'm sorry if i've ever hurt you with that, but when I said I was past that I meant it, I work hard everyday not to gossip, and when I do say things to other people, it's to my dearest friends that I trust the most, but when I need advice, or just need someone to talk to, not to gossip. I want high school to be over. The drama is too much for me to handle, knowing that life will go on, and that I want to live a full life is the only reason i'm holding on right now.
Every morning I wake up and I put on my smile, when i'm hurting I typically don't show it, I don't like people to feel burdened with my problems. I just want to be there for everyone else. I put up a standard for myself that I can't reach, no matter how hard I try i'm not going to be perfect, and I will screw up, and I will hurt the ones I love, I know this, but I hate it. I hate hurting people, I don't want to, words are too easily distorted and made into something else.
I feel like a boomerang that has been put away in a dusty box for a long time. But one day a happy little girl finds me, and she takes me outside to play. She throws me, and I slice through the air, i'm free, finally. But right when everything feels ok, I turn around and land right back into her hands, she puts me back in the box and the cycle goes on. Every time I get a taste of happiness and freedom, and I just feel like everything is going to be alright, I come right back even through i'm trying my hardest to keep going, and I get put back into the dreadful place I hate most. I can't take this world anymore, it's too dark, there is too much hate, I don't want to be angry with anyone anymore, I don't want to let people hurt me, so from now on, I will just walk away from it and love them anyways. And I will keep waking up and putting on my smile, and I will try my absolute hardest to be happy even when i'm not, and I will keep working on being a good friend to everyone, I don't want to be the girl that people think I am, it is ruining me, and I am going to prove to the world that I can rise above the immature ways of high school, I am a young adult, so i'm going to act like it. No more getting caught up in drama, people can keep it to themselves because i'm done. I will be there when people need me, but I wont participate in their drama, I will love everyone the way they are, whether they are crazy red heads that shove their ponies in your face or super smart kids who call me dumb and make weird noises at me, I will make this year count.
Monday, February 25, 2013
January 29th, 2013 (546 words!!!)
(Continued story)
"Don't ever ask where my money comes from. Just accept it and be happy with it." Jared abruptly responded, that was not the response Martha was expecting at all. But how was she to just let this go?
************************************************************************************************************
"I'm headed out Martha, don't wait up," Jared yelled from the front door as he left.
"OK sweetheart!" She responded as she flung her coat over her should and slipped her shoes on. She waited till he had pulled out of the driveway, then she ran to her car and drove off, cautiously following him from a distance.
He pulled into a crowded parking lot.
"What's he doing at a bar?" Martha whispered to herself. She turned off the car and watched him enter the grim looking building with a black briefcase. Martha glanced down at herself realizing that she was in her pajamas, she couldn't go into a bar! She would draw too much attention, she would just have to go home for the night. As she pulled out of the parking lot she peeked at her rearview mirror, just to catch a glimpse of Jared running out of the building with several other men all dressed in suits! She slammed on the brakes the moment she saw other men come out with guns, she spun around and pulled up next to Jared;
"GET IN!" She screamed! He jumped into the car and the other men piled into the backseat with guns in all their hands. She sped out of the parking lot.
"What the hell are you doing here?!?" Jared yelled at her,
"I should be asking you the same thing! I was following you to find out where you disappear to all the time! So what the hell are you doing here?!" Martha responded. Silence overwhelmed the car. They dropped the men off at a restaurant and took Jared home. They walked in the door and Martha sat down ready for an explanation, but Jared just said goodnight and walked away.
Not knowing what to do Martha grabbed her keys again and headed to her best friend Larissa's house. She told her everything that had happened, and how suspicious everything was.
"What was the bar called?" Larissa asked.
"I don't know, it was the one off of 49th." Martha responded.
"OH! That's black sky! What was Jared doing there? That's where all the mobsters meet."
"Oh my god." Martha gasped and buried her head in her hands.
"What do I do?" She asked Larissa.
"There isn't really anything you can do. You need to get out, now." Larissa could see the fear in Martha's eyes.
"If you don't get out of here now, and they find out that you know stuff you shouldn't. They wont back down, they will kill you, go home, get all the money you can, pretend that you think he is just cheating on you or something, get everything while he's sleeping and leave."
"Don't ever ask where my money comes from. Just accept it and be happy with it." Jared abruptly responded, that was not the response Martha was expecting at all. But how was she to just let this go?
************************************************************************************************************
"I'm headed out Martha, don't wait up," Jared yelled from the front door as he left.
"OK sweetheart!" She responded as she flung her coat over her should and slipped her shoes on. She waited till he had pulled out of the driveway, then she ran to her car and drove off, cautiously following him from a distance.
He pulled into a crowded parking lot.
"What's he doing at a bar?" Martha whispered to herself. She turned off the car and watched him enter the grim looking building with a black briefcase. Martha glanced down at herself realizing that she was in her pajamas, she couldn't go into a bar! She would draw too much attention, she would just have to go home for the night. As she pulled out of the parking lot she peeked at her rearview mirror, just to catch a glimpse of Jared running out of the building with several other men all dressed in suits! She slammed on the brakes the moment she saw other men come out with guns, she spun around and pulled up next to Jared;
"GET IN!" She screamed! He jumped into the car and the other men piled into the backseat with guns in all their hands. She sped out of the parking lot.
"What the hell are you doing here?!?" Jared yelled at her,
"I should be asking you the same thing! I was following you to find out where you disappear to all the time! So what the hell are you doing here?!" Martha responded. Silence overwhelmed the car. They dropped the men off at a restaurant and took Jared home. They walked in the door and Martha sat down ready for an explanation, but Jared just said goodnight and walked away.
Not knowing what to do Martha grabbed her keys again and headed to her best friend Larissa's house. She told her everything that had happened, and how suspicious everything was.
"What was the bar called?" Larissa asked.
"I don't know, it was the one off of 49th." Martha responded.
"OH! That's black sky! What was Jared doing there? That's where all the mobsters meet."
"Oh my god." Martha gasped and buried her head in her hands.
"What do I do?" She asked Larissa.
"There isn't really anything you can do. You need to get out, now." Larissa could see the fear in Martha's eyes.
"If you don't get out of here now, and they find out that you know stuff you shouldn't. They wont back down, they will kill you, go home, get all the money you can, pretend that you think he is just cheating on you or something, get everything while he's sleeping and leave."
************************************************************************************************************
That was it, Jared never saw her again, nobody knows where she is, or if she's ok. She disappeared, just like she was told to. Nobody has heard from her since that night.
Monday, January 28, 2013
January 28th, 2013 (522 words!!!)
Imagine a dolphin that has been taken into captivity, to be a performer, a show dolphin. It is required to learn a new trick, but every time it attempts it they pull it back and tell it that it isn't ready, until show day comes and they just throw it out there into the world expecting it to know what to do!
That is how I feel, my parents say "Adriel you need to learn to make your own decisions, Adriel you need to find a job, you aren't a little girl anymore, you need to grow up." But then when I try to make a decision for myself, they tell me no! Then I remind them of what they've told me, i'm growing up, i'm a young adult! Shouldn't I be able to make this decision myself? Then they just laugh at me! They tell me i'm not mature enough! And that I still live in their house and when i'm out I can make my own decisions! How am I to be ready to move out if they wont let me make my own decisions now? It is so confusing! I'm ready to grow up, to be responsible and get a job, and everything, and they tell me to, but when I try to they pull me back and don't let me. Anyways, I have vented so now i'll write something else!
Anticipation lingered on Marthas body like an overpowering perfume, every eye in the room could see her excitement, at least the very few of her friends that had shown up. Only two of her six brides maids had come for the wedding, and one of them forgot her long red dress. Martha decided to walk down the aisle anyways, with or without her friends, who cares what they think of her fiance? She loved him, and that is all that matters, she doesn't need the approval of friends of family! At least that's what she told herself. She walked down the aisle, exchanged rings, and said her I do's just like she had planned. Now she would be happy forever! She repeated the words to herself,
"Till death do we part," over and over again, knowing that he was there for good. Finally someone would be there for her when something went wrong, be her everything, someone who thought the world of her. They both waved goodbye and got into their limo that would take them to the airport, they were going to spend their honeymoon in the Galapagos Islands. Her new husband Jared didn't mind that her family and friends didn't like him, he just wanted to be with Martha. He loved her very much, her bought her big diamonds, and fur coats, he got her whatever her heart desired. Although, Martha didn't understand how he made all of that money from his construction company, so she decided to ask.
"Darling... How do you have all of this money? It just doesn't make sense that you would make so much from your company."
TO BE CONTINUED....
That is how I feel, my parents say "Adriel you need to learn to make your own decisions, Adriel you need to find a job, you aren't a little girl anymore, you need to grow up." But then when I try to make a decision for myself, they tell me no! Then I remind them of what they've told me, i'm growing up, i'm a young adult! Shouldn't I be able to make this decision myself? Then they just laugh at me! They tell me i'm not mature enough! And that I still live in their house and when i'm out I can make my own decisions! How am I to be ready to move out if they wont let me make my own decisions now? It is so confusing! I'm ready to grow up, to be responsible and get a job, and everything, and they tell me to, but when I try to they pull me back and don't let me. Anyways, I have vented so now i'll write something else!
Anticipation lingered on Marthas body like an overpowering perfume, every eye in the room could see her excitement, at least the very few of her friends that had shown up. Only two of her six brides maids had come for the wedding, and one of them forgot her long red dress. Martha decided to walk down the aisle anyways, with or without her friends, who cares what they think of her fiance? She loved him, and that is all that matters, she doesn't need the approval of friends of family! At least that's what she told herself. She walked down the aisle, exchanged rings, and said her I do's just like she had planned. Now she would be happy forever! She repeated the words to herself,
"Till death do we part," over and over again, knowing that he was there for good. Finally someone would be there for her when something went wrong, be her everything, someone who thought the world of her. They both waved goodbye and got into their limo that would take them to the airport, they were going to spend their honeymoon in the Galapagos Islands. Her new husband Jared didn't mind that her family and friends didn't like him, he just wanted to be with Martha. He loved her very much, her bought her big diamonds, and fur coats, he got her whatever her heart desired. Although, Martha didn't understand how he made all of that money from his construction company, so she decided to ask.
"Darling... How do you have all of this money? It just doesn't make sense that you would make so much from your company."
TO BE CONTINUED....
Sunday, January 27, 2013
January 27th, 2013 (501 words!!!)
1st Semester reflection!
Wow, what a semester! Creative writing is by far the best class i've ever taken! I have never felt so safe to share my writing with anybody before until I joined this class, I finally feel like I fit in somewhere. I feel like I did alright this semester, I missed A LOT of blogging, I have written everyday, which was quite a success, but some of it was too personal to share, and other stuff I would write in a journal, that I currently cannot find :( All of my writing of two months just vanished, it's gone and I don't know where it could be :( But I have come so far in my writing, I love being able to write about whatever I want, and to be able to express myself through my writing. I've learned so much about writing, and poetry this semester, but the biggest thing i've learned is how to give feedback, and how to accept it, this has helped me so much with my writing. But the biggest thing i've learned is that not everything we write is going to be amazing, as a matter of fact, probably three fourths are stories or poems that I never want to read again! But it makes me appreciate the one fourth that is amazing so much more. I feel so accomplished when I write a good story, when everything just fits together so perfectly. Things that i'm doing better at, gee, i think i'm just doing better with my writing in general, i've learned so much from my classmates feedback, and how to better my writing, and things that i struggle with, I still have so so so much more to learn, but I think I have come a long way this semester. I never really pictured myself as a writer. As a matter of fact, before this class I hated, and absolutely despised poetry, and now it is my favorite kind of writing! I'm looking forward to this next semester so much, I am so determined to keep up with my writing and blog everyday, I want to better my writing so much more, and I'm so excited to read my poetry to random people! I am also surprisingly excited for script frenzy! I think it is going to be so fun! Mr. Anderson has changed my life forever, he introduced me to a whole new world of writing and helped me realize something that I love, something that I never thought I would like. And now I find myself writing everyday, and I love it! A day without writing is just too weird for me. But seriously I promise to do so much better on my blogging this semester, even though i'm not looking forward to writing 500 words everyday, but I will get used to that just like I did before, and soon it will be just like breathing, it will be natural and something that I cannot live without!
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