March 7th, 2013 (745 words!!!)

I keep telling myself i'll find the time to put all of my writing onto this blog and catch up but I just don't. So i'm just starting over, clean slate. I can do it this time. No matter what.

My world is crashing down on me. I've never felt so low, so depressed, so hopeless. The person I loved decided I wasn't worth his time and found a new girl to play with. I tried to do the right thing and tell my friend I was happy for him with his new girl, even though I don't get along with her. But when i really think about it, past the differences we've had, I really do care about her, and if someone were to hurt her I would gladly stand by her side. But words got mixed up and feelings got hurt. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm losing the people I love the most. I get too caught up in trying to make everyone happy, and to make everyone feel loved that I get stressed, and I lash out at people sometimes, and it pushes them away. If i've done this to you, i'm sorry. I really do love you, and I really do care about you. I admit that I used to have a gossip problem, and i'm sorry if i've ever hurt you with that, but when I said I was past that I meant it, I work hard everyday not to gossip, and when I do say things to other people, it's to my dearest friends that I trust the most, but when I need advice, or just need someone to talk to, not to gossip. I want high school to be over. The drama is too much for me to handle, knowing that life will go on, and that I want to live a full life is the only reason i'm holding on right now.
Every morning I wake up and I put on my smile, when i'm hurting I typically don't show it, I don't like people to feel burdened with my problems. I just want to be there for everyone else. I put up a standard for myself that I can't reach, no matter how hard I try i'm not going to be perfect, and I will screw up, and I will hurt the ones I love, I know this, but I hate it. I hate hurting people, I don't want to, words are too easily distorted and made into something else.


I feel like a boomerang that has been put away in a dusty box for a long time. But one day a happy little girl finds me, and she takes me outside to play. She throws me, and I slice through the air, i'm free, finally. But right when everything feels ok, I turn around and land right back into her hands, she puts me back in the box and the cycle goes on. Every time I get a taste of happiness and freedom, and I just feel like everything is going to be alright, I come right back even through i'm trying my hardest to keep going, and I get put back into the dreadful place I hate most. I can't take this world anymore, it's too dark, there is too much hate, I don't want to be angry with anyone anymore, I don't want to let people hurt me, so from now on, I will just walk away from it and love them anyways. And I will keep waking up and putting on my smile, and I will try my absolute hardest to be happy even when i'm not, and I will keep working on being a good friend to everyone, I don't want to be the girl that people think I am, it is ruining me, and I am going to prove to the world that I can rise above the immature ways of high school, I am a young adult, so i'm going to act like it. No more getting caught up in drama, people can keep it to themselves because i'm done. I will be there when people need me, but I wont participate in their drama, I will love everyone the way they are, whether they are crazy red heads that shove their ponies in your face or super smart kids who call me dumb and make weird noises at me, I will make this year count.