1/22/14

Why is food so good? Like seriously it's a problem. What do I do when i'm bored? I eat, when i'm tired, eat, hungry, eat, excited, eat. Eat eat eat eat eat! If someone next to me has food, I typically take it and shove it in my mouth really quick when they aren't looking. But the funny thing is that as much as I love food, I hate eating. I think it is the most boring thing ever! Seriously now, who likes to sit and eat? Just sitting there moving your jaw up and down and side to side, it makes me absolutely miserable! Plus it sounds gross! I hate sitting there listening to people or even myself eat! Munch munch, slush, squish. EW! The worst is when somebody takes too big of a bite and and they have to open their mouth a little bit to chew it enough to swallow. So disgusting. Or bananas, it's so disgusting, it absolutely horrifies me. Even listening to people drinking something grosses me out, when they swallow and it's like GADUMP!!!!! okay enough about food, you get my point.

So one of my teachers have been on this new thing of trying to relate to us high schoolers or something like that because she has started talking a bit like a teenager. It honestly scares me. Today she called us her peeps. Yes the word peeps came out of a forty something year old woman. That's just wrong. Another time she went up to a black girl in my class and said;
"Girl you be stylin!" ..... I was speechless when she said this, I had no clue how to respond or what to think. It scared me. No woman, especially white woman should ever say that. Those words were not meant to leave her mouth. She is a tall skinny classy lady who has taken a turn for acceptance, and I am left mortified. Life will never be the same after hearing some of the things that have recently left her mouth! I think it is truly crazy the things that people will do to fit in. For real people, be who you are and you will find friends who are just like you and have the same passions as you, and you will get along forever! But if you pretend to be someone you aren't then you will never find those people because all of your "friends" will be completely un-relatable! You wont like the same classes, or the same music, or sports or hobbies. So i'm not even kidding, don't be fake, because nobody, and I mean NOBODY likes a fake. They may fall for it at first and like you but eventually the real you will shine through and they will realize that you aren't who they thought you were, and whether they like the person you are or not they will up and leave because you lied to them and were fake, and I repeat again, NOBODY LIKES A FAKE! Just a little word of advice from Adriel for the day ;) Live well and don't fall of turtles guys!

1/21/14

So I realized today that we're definitely in 2014, i've been putting 2013 on all of my blog posts! I honestly feel so dumb!

I honestly can't believe how cruel people can be, or how they can just lie straight to your face when they know you know the truth. It's like the whole I didn't take the cookie and these aren't cookie crumbs on my face bit. We've all seen it and I hope that you don't do it. I recently had a friend who's boyfriend started flirting with me and texting me all of these inappropriate things, I brought it to my friends attention and told her everything he had said. Then when she confronted him on it he made up all of these lies about it and made excuses that he was just playing around. Hunny I know when somebody is is being completely out of line and even if you were playing (which you weren't) you shouldn't be talking to any girls like that when you have a girlfriend.

You know how people say you never know what you've got till it's gone? I realized that today but in the complete opposite way, there is a person who always bothers me at school, makes me feel constantly judged and watched, and I know she is constantly talking about me. But I tend to just ignore it, but I never realized how much she really bothered me till she wasn't at school today, I felt free and like i didn't have to constantly be checking myself to make sure I don't give her anything to make fun of. I think it is so sad that somebody can be that mean of a person that they make people feel that way. That they are okay with making someone feel miserable all the time no matter what. Honestly that sickens me, people are so horrible, I can't wait to get out of high school and away from all of the petty little teenage drama. I'm completely over it and so done with it, it is absolutely immature and unnecessary. Like seriously people? This isn't going to get you anywhere in life so you might as well give up on trying to push your way through life by treating people like s***! Because it really doesn't work no matter how bad you want it to. Maybe try treating people with a little respect and then you'll get somewhere. Kids watch too much tv these days, i'm tellin ya they actually believe the crap that tv tells them. The lies that you have to be mean to be on top and that you have to push everybody out of your way. It's absolutely ridiculous! WHEN WILL PEOPLE GET A CLUE?!? Maybe one of these days someone will get it, but until then I wish them all the best of luck that they will figure out what went wrong when their head was being screwed on because really, when will you realize that the way you act like you're too good for everyone isn't getting you any friends or better grades or a good promotion. UGH!

1/20/13

I wish I had been open to more ideas as a kid, pursued more sports or some of my passions. I wish I had taken up volleyball when I was offered or kept playing soccer. I wish I had kept horse back riding, or dirt biking. I wish money wasn't a necessity for everything! I want to be able to go fill up my gas tank without worrying about paying the gas bill. But i'm glad that the one thing i've always loved more than anything i've stuck with. Fashion. I know it makes me look like a stuck up b**** but that's what i've had to accept, I will never be what people want me to be, so might as well pursue what I love so much! I know I will one day have a job in the industry, I will have a designer purse that I carry with me and a husband who is proud of me. I will always be the best dressed at parties and know exactly what looks good on what and what color suits what skin color. I look forward to the knowledge that I will posses. To being someone that people look to me when they're trying to figure out what to wear that day. I want to be someone that people admire, that they want to be. Because I want to be happy to, not just have the job and the amazing husband, but be truly happy, not have to worry about where life is going to take me, I will just take it as it comes.

I've honestly blanked and have no clue what to write about now, i've got something on my mind overwhelming me and i can't think of anything else! But it isn't something i'm quite ready to share with the whole world! First world problems! I'm not ready to go back to school, I'm just ready for summer, to be able to sleep a bit longer, to only have to worry about work. Although I guess the rest of my life will be that way once summer starts. I can't believe i'm going to graduate! I'm so close! The first day of the rest of my life is almost here! I feel like I could just reach out and grab it! I feel like spongebob when he runs down the road on his way to work just repeating "I'M READY I'M READY I'M READY I'M READY!" That little sponge knew how to live life! But seriously, i'm going to be an adult, i'm going to graduate, then i'm going to turn 18 then i'm gonna move out, and i'm going to walk outside and say "Get ready for me world!" And then i'm going to be really disappointed at how hard life is. Boom. End of story.

1/19/13

You're becoming something you promised not to be, something you told me not to be. Your hypocrisy is overwhelming, I can't live the life you want me to. It is not who I am, as a matter of fact it is isn't who you are. We were finally at a place where we were comfortable and all getting along so well. We had fun and enjoyed ourselves. But then you decide to turn around and tell me that you aren't living life right when it was so close to perfect. I'm sick of the change. I wont be who you are trying to force me to be, you always encourage me to not be exactly who I think you want me to be, but when I try to be my own person I am constantly told that i'm not doing it right. So here is what I will do, I will play your little game, I will dance the dance and do what you want when i'm home. But the second I walk out that door, I am no longer your pet, I am not your puppet, I am Adriel. I am who I want to be, I don't mind the way I am, I don't believe the way you do, I am my own person, I will not be this perfect little angel that you want me to be. I love you so much, and if you want to be legalistic and life life with tons of rules, then so be it, congratulations on being who you said you wouldn't be! But when I have the money and i'm an adult, i'm out, because I wont live under these strict rules. I will keep you in my heart, and I will visit, but I will live life without rules, only beliefs and morals. I won't have a stupid list of house rules and cell phone rules hanging on my fridge, I wish you could see this but i'm sure you wont, so I will move on. I will keep being the fake girl you want me to be, I will say yes ma'am and yes sir and hide away in my room and read my bible for your required 15 minutes, I hope you're proud that you're forcing me to be something i'm not! :)

Guys, seriously, don't let anybody force you or convince you to be something or someone you aren't. It isn't right, and in the end you are going to lash out once you realize that you aren't who they've convinced you that you must be. Be yourself, that doesn't mean go crazy and rebel, it just means that if you want to do something out of the ordinary, or watch a movie that isn't of your parents strict requirements, then I say go for it! live life a little, not locked away in a cage. Because you will eventually realize that you aren't happy. I know that nobody wants to die realizing that they weren't who they should have been. So don't let that happen! GO CRAZY KIDS!

1/18/13

 ^"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." How come out of this beautiful passage all i can think of is that love is jealous, love is cruel, love envies and it boasts, love is proud and not very often patient; love is definitely not kind, love tends to come in darkness. It isn't really "love" what it is is a dark cloud, disguised by the flowers and the chocolates and the I love you's. I take back what I said, love is patient. It will wait however long it takes to go in for the kill, it will wait years if it has to. Love is a scary thing, it hurts all that come near. People say that they can't help who they love, that's because it cuts your heart open with a knife and makes its home inside of you, like a rat in the walls of your house it just makes a nest where you wont find it, and when you think you have, it will just simply move. But every once in awhile, love will come along in a new form, instead of darkness it is just a subtle fog. It glides in smoothly, and in through your mouth, it still has evil intentions, but sometimes the sun will shine through, the fog will burn off, and love will be what it's supposed to be. Sometimes the fog will knock on the door, and the darkness will pay a visit, but if the love is right, it will overpower all else. Love will be patient, and it will be kind, it will not envy, and it will not boast, it will not be proud, and it wont dishonor others. It will not be self-seeking, and it will not be easily angered, love will protect and keep no record of wrongs, because real love will protect and will be there to guide you through all else. I hope that one day, all of these sweet virtues will be something I will have the honor of having. I always have hope when love comes my way, but it has always been overpowered by darkness. Maybe this time the light will shine through, my hope for it is huge, but the outcome of the others dims my light. I believe that everybody deserves love, but not all are lucky enough to have it, or maybe they are lucky enough to not have it. 

1/17/13

I find it funny how people think that it's okay to try and make people feel guilty for making the right decisions. Like even though it may not be the decision you wanted me to make for your benefit doesn't mean you shouldn't be happy that I stood up and said not even though it took all my might and strength. People just don't make sense to me. It's like i'm in this room with my eyes pulled open watching a tv day and night to learn about people, but no matter how much I learn I will never understand them! PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!!!! They will never make sense. They are all selfish and will do anything they can to make their lives better and easier. It's natural human nature to be self absorbed. It's something that not everybody can fight or cares to fight off, some people are just okay with living to please themselves. I know it must be so much easier to not care about hurting people. But some people actually have a heart! i know it's crazy! But they do! And the ones that do will be there for people even if it means they end up hurt in the end because they don't care what happens to them as long as they helped somebody else. Okay that was really choppy but my mind is seriously blank right now.

 I can't believe I graduate this year!!!! It's so crazy! I'm so ready to walk across that stage and get that stupid piece of paper that i've worked so hard for! I'm ready for life to start, to be able to provide for myself completely and not have to worry about answering to a teacher. I'm ready to stop being told who I can and can't hang out with, i'm just sick of being told how to live my life. Then being told to be my own person and when I try to be I get told that i'm doing it wrong and that isn't who I should be. I want to be done with living life that way. I don't want people to make me feel guilty when I screw up but instead kick me in the a** and tell me to get my act together. That's all I need! I don't need someone to sit down with me and tell me why I should feel bad because I guarantee you I already feel that way and have already thought about it so please don't make it worse! I just need a smack in the face sometimes! I can't wait to live life for me. To be free. To expand my way of life and experience new things and new places. I won't be that girl that after high school works at a fast food restaurant and comes home to her crumby boyfriend that she only stays with because she needs a place to live! I will be the girl that travels the world and lives life the best she possibly can and finds a man that she loves more than she loves herself! That is the girl I will be! I will be successful but still have time to have fun! I won't waste my time on stupid dramatic stuff. I will be the girl that people will look at and want to live life like me!

1/16/13

            Life is sweet and fragile. A game played by all. Play your turns right and you may just end up lucky. A big house, fancy car, full fridge, great job. But who says you are really playing this game so… “right.” Who chose that to live a happy life you need to have all these things and that it’s the perfect way to live. Because when I look at people with the nice car, they spend everyday worrying about scratching it. And the people with the big house; constantly updating it and throwing a way money to keep it clean. The people with the full fridge can never decide what to eat so they end up going out to eat while their food rots in the fridge.  And the people with the great job, they have no time left at the end of the day to see their families, eat their food or even enjoy their cars. So really in the end that so called perfect life is really just a hoax. It looks good, but what really makes life perfect is having people who care about you and love you. And truly that’s all you need in life. Happiness is not really so hard after all, it’s as simple as a smile and a conversation.

Poetic Power Poem Entry

Waters of Lies

I came to your shore and you called me in.

I dipped my toes and you pulled my hand.

I jumped in and your tides receded.

I swam further out and your waves became choppy.

I dove under to get closer, and you sent a storm.

You called me into your calm sea only to spit me back on the rocks. 

Never again will I let someone pull me in.

Never again will I let the warm water fool me.

Never again will I trust the waters of lies.

Poetic Power Essay contest entry!

Somebody struck me with a question the other day, he asked me,
“What do you want to be when you grow up?” Now I know that sounds like a pretty typical question that you are asked ever since a very young age. But this time it held a whole new meaning to me. My answer was no longer a veteran, a fashion designer, or a firefighter. This time it was plain and simple. Happy. I want to be happy, every single day. I don’t want to waste a day being sad, angry, or regretting something. I want to die knowing that I lived a good life, whether I was rich or poor, married or single. Happiness is what matters. I want to sit on my deathbed and be able to say,
“Yes, it was all worth it, I lived right.” Wouldn’t you want to know that you were a joyful person and enjoyed life instead of being rich and buying everything you wanted? Just to have people that care about you should be good enough. Life is short, I know it’s cliché, but it’s more than true. Life. Is. Short. So live it right, don’t waste another second pitying yourself. Be happy. Die happy. Because Happiness Is Key!

1/15/13

As i've been sitting down everyday and spending the time writing, i've realized how much I absolutely miss it! I miss having the time to sit down and let my thoughts out! And to be able to vent and express myself and just feel so relieved! Writing has always been something very special and close to my heart, it has been there for me when nobody was. It was my go to, my release, my best friend. But without time to sit down and write I let everything build up inside, and it became too much to handle and I responded really bad to the emotional overload by just pushing it all aside. DON'T DO THAT! Seriously, confront your feelings and problems, you will be happy you did later.

Anytahooooooo, I got my graduation packet yesterday! For my cap and gown I mean. All I saw was a bunch of dollar signs so I just grabbed the sticker and put the rest aside for my parents. I hate two things in life, numbers are the biggest one, and dollar signs and spending money comes in a close second! But I guess I will have to face it all eventually. I've developed a lot of respect for my parents, when I have a job I pay my phone, gas and insurance bills and any extra stuff that I may want, well they pay that for four people. That is so crazy. I don't know how i'm going to handle that one day! Life is not going to be easy and I am so close to being at that point! I am excited to face it though, i'll never be ready so I might as well just jump in and take on the responsibility. I guess I will probably have to limit the amount of clothes I buy to about zero.... :( :( :( Clothes are my favorite thing ever, I can't stay away from them. I never thought I would grow up and have such a shopping problem. A word of advice; Don't develop a shopping problem, it's really bad, it's almost impossible to avoid once you have developed it. It is not a pretty thing when all you can think about is that pair of shoes that you absolutely need even if it means that you wont be able to drive anywhere for a month. At least you'll look good! Ugh. I have problems :( Especially when it comes to ordering stuff online. You just shop and shop and shop and you don't realize how much you are really spending! All you have to do is click add to cart and all of a sudden when you go to check out and think you spent $50 you really spent $300! But then you decide that everything in your cart is completely worth the money and you click continue purchase anyways. But I guess everybody has their own little weird problems that effect their lives. Mine just happens to be one that most people truly don't understand one bit. So many people don't care about the way they dress or how the clothes fall on their body, or if their clothes don't flatter the right areas. Well I guess I will just keep moving on with life being different! I have no problem with that!

1/14/13

So I had to present my semester project to my civics class today. I put together a fashion magazine based on fashion through the ages. It was from the 1700’s to current times! I put tons of work and effort and time into it and I was so excited about it. But as if getting in front of a classroom and presenting about something you’re passionate about isn’t hard enough, my entire class is mostly guys. Thus they all sat there staring at me so blankly that I think I may have peed myself a little out of intimidation. But I’m pretty sure I did really good on it! I hope I earned the grade I want!

Relationships are so crazy, I’ve been thinking about this all day because my little sisters best friend who is also our neighbor is 13 and has a boyfriend who completely controls her life; he tells her what she can and can’t do. Like seriously you’re 14 you don’t have a job and support this girl and you can’t tell her what she can do! And then on top of that, he thinks it’s okay for him to flirt with all of the girls that she absolutely can’t stand, it irritates me so much. So you tell her that she’s better than that and deserves a guy who will treat her with all the respect in the whole wide world and she tells you “but I love himmmm!!!” Like hunny you’re freaking 13 you don’t know what love is! Move on with your life already! It’s absolutely ridiculous and I get so heated about it!

This boy asked my little sister out the other day and she’s only 13 and it just infuriates me! Like she doesn’t need a freaking boyfriend! So then I have to go on and explain to her why she doesn’t need one and that he’s just going to take up so much time in her life and distract her from her schoolwork and from her sports and it just isn’t worth it! Then she spends all day everyday texting him and on the phone with him and telling him she loves him and UGH! It’s not okay! I’m definitely going to sit down and put the fear of God into this boy! I know I’m just her older sister but hey! Her big brother isn’t around to take care of these boys so all the over protectiveness gets put off on me and I just go nuts! And then people think it’s okay to tell me that she’s 13 and almost in high school and can do whatever she wants and then I just lose it! Like yes she’s 13!!!! THIRTEEN! That’s so young! She doesn’t need that and her brain is barely even developed so why should I believe that she’s ready for a boyfriend and stuff! It is just so aggravating and I could go on for absolute ever. It is so overwhelming. Why would anybody ever want a teenage daughter. I just don’t get it. 

1/13/13

Here are some fashion articles i wrote!

A Change In Times

WWII highly effected fashion. There was a major cut back in materials causing laws to be put in place of how much fabric you were aloud to use on a certain garment. Many materials were strictly rationed and skirts were shorter than ever. Women started using eyeliner to draw stitches up the back of their legs to look like stockings because of nylon shortage and their hair became much more detailed to make up for the loss in nice clothing. Fashion tends to follow social trends and the state of the economy. Many styles that we have even today derived from war. Such as the loops on the shoulders of men’s button up shirts. Or the loops on the front of their shirt which would have been used in war to hold ammunition or guns. Also scarf’s and hats became bigger than ever!

             Hollywood also highly impacted fashion during the war. Because people couldn’t afford luxurious clothing, they would find their joy in the movies, soaking in the beauty of the stars. Women everywhere would dream about being like the actresses and long to be like them one day. Hollywood fashion gave women everywhere hope for fashion to come back.

            When the war finally ended fashion made a huge comeback, designers were bringing back luxury and style. Women went crazy everywhere and bought new clothes as if they were groceries. They were overjoyed to have their fashionable clothing back. And gowns were elegant, nylons were back, and women’s hair was flawless.

            When we think about effects on fashion war is typically not one of them, but it is truly one of the largest factors in changes in fashion. 

The New Look

 “It’s quite a revolution, dear Christian! Your dresses have such a new look!” Carmel Snow the editor-in-chief of Harper’s Bazaar quoted. And thus, a designer was born.

 

Christian Dior was officially discovered On February 12th 1947 at 10:30 a.m while presenting his first collection to the press. He was 42 years old when he showed his line in the salons of 30 avenue Montaigne. Dior’s line was popular for his longer, fuller and smooth rounded skirts, his sloping shoulder jackets and tiny fitted waists. The word of this New Look traveled so fast that the United States got the news of Dior the same day as his fashion show!

The reason Dior’s New Look was so popular was because fashion had been so dull since World War II ended two years prior. Dior took all restriction and gloom out of fashion and brought back the art of seduction and thrill.

Dior’s next fashion show took place at 10:30 a.m. on February 12^th 1947. 90 models walked the “runway” and journalists and fashion editors all raved about the New Look, the called it a revolution. Everybody thought that fashion had hit a dead end but Dior brought it back and he was on fire! Within just a few short seasons Dior had become a household word, everybody knew it, and he was doing as much business as the rest of the French couture combined! 

1/12/13

You know when tongs of people will tell you the same thing and you never really listen or catch on, but then one or two certain people say something and that's when it finally clicks and means something? This happened to me recently, i've been kind of going through a low point. People were telling me to be careful before I really got myself caught up in a mess, which I was just so dead and emotionless that I didn't really care what I got myself into. But then one person that I had despised for years and have recently become kind of close with sat me down and talked to me. He told me to be careful, that he made so many mistakes that i'm starting to make and that I don't want to end up having to try to fix my mess like he is today. And that I will eventually have to spend every single day paying for it, and that isn't what I want. I was touched, but still a little hesitant, then someone else talked to me. Someone that I have cared a lot about for a long time told me straight up that i've gotten myself into a bad situation and to get out of it i'm going to have to hurt some people, because i've led on too many people into thinking that i'm much more interested than I am. That I did not do on purpose, but either way it happened, and now i'm working so hard to get out of it the best I can without being too hurtful to people. So now here I am again, trying to pull myself out of a hole that i've dug, but I know I can do it, I might lose some friends in the process, but I guess they probably weren't my real friends to start with. Wish me luck because it is going to be a hard next few weeks!!! I've got a lot of proving to do to a lot of people, but I want to apologize to anybody I have hurt during this process, I know I wasn't the nicest or most loving to everybody, so for that I am so sorry. This has been quite a learning experience and one that I hope I never have to encounter again! Have a lovely Sunday everybody! And may the odds be ever in your favor! ;)

1/11/13

I find it really interesting to listen to peoples different religious views, or just what they believe. Of course you have your basic Mormons, and Catholics, Christians, Jehovahs Witness, and Atheists. But then you have people who have come up with their own beliefs. I have a few friends who I love to listen to talk about what they believe, whether I believe it or not it is so fascinating. I have one friend who told me the other day that he believes everything in the world is a vibration. Every person, every house, every tree. It was realllly hard to grasp why exactly he believes that but it was super thought provoking. He went on for awhile to explain why he believed this and all the research he has done and it absolutely blew my mind, I have never ever thought of anything like that! I have another friend who believes in ghosts and spirits, which was also very interesting! There are two or three spirits who live in her house, they abuse her emotionally sometimes they will tell her how worthless she is and other times they are there to build her back up. She talks to me about how they walk with her and protect her when other spirits from her friends homes try to hurt her. She doesn't believe that everybody is like this though, she knows she's special, she can feel them and sometimes see them, she talks to them and sometimes can't even go into some peoples houses that have spirits because some of them will harass her all day. She told me one story about how a spirit had followed her into the woods from her friends house but luckily her spirit was there to fight him off when he tried to kill her. It is so riveting to listen to her stories, each spirit has their own name and appearance and personality. It's so crazy! Then I have a few friends who just believe in karma, that if you treat people right and be a good person then mother nature will reward you for that. I absolutely love listening to everybody's different views it fascinates me so much and makes me want to do so much research and find out all the variations and different beliefs that people share with each other! I love people :")

1/10/13

Sometimes I wonder how people survive, like when they don't have a job and don't do anything with their time. This thought always crossed my mind while working in the mall. Because when working at a kiosk you get to see every single person that walks through the mall. And after being there long enough you start to recognize people, and then you start to realize who are what we call "mall rats." These are people that are at the mall literally everyday. So let me tell you tell you about some of the mall rats I will never forget. There was this one girl, she had butt length blonde hair, she always wore a hoodie and some light wash jeans. She was pretty short and she had made a habit of going around each kiosk everyday, now working at a straightener kiosk we have to show how out product works, so if somebody wants to have their hair done, I have to do it. I probably did her hair at least twice a week. She would lie to every person and tell us that she was going to get one soon, but of course she never will. She drove me crazy. So there are different kinds of mall rats, the ones that drive you crazy like blondie, the ones that you don't know what they're doing with their life but you absolutely enjoy them, and the ones that you absolutely despise. There were two rats that I loved, one of them was this little red head girl who was a sophomore in high school and she would always come through with her best friend and her best friends boyfriend, she would just casually walk behind them with her hands up to her face. She screamed insecure, but I always made a point to talk to her, I nicknamed her third wheel, because she always was third wheeling her friends date when I saw her. But one time I saw her, and her hair was nicely done, her makeup was done and she was wearing a dress, and she had a cute guy on her arm, I yelled out "hey third wheel!" and she came over, i told her i was so happy to see her living for herself now and her boyfriend suddenly asked me what the fox says and started dancing around singing... absolutely made my day :") My other favorite mall rat is this man who speed walks through the mall! He has a mostly bald head and wears big round glasses with a hoodie, usually yellow or black, a pair of work jeans, tennis shoes and wait for it.... a phanny pack.... yup a phanny pack... So he walks the mall everyday, he swings his arms really hard and i always made a point to high five him as he came through! But the thing that made him so funny besides his clothing attire was that he didn't want to miss out on a single square foot, so he keeps his shoulder to the wall an instead of walking straight through the mall he follows every corner through the whole mall!!! He is hilarious! Then the one other mall rat is a girl who used to be one of my best friends, then something happened and she went kind of psycho and we haven't talked in a long time. But she is at the mall everyday and always glares at me as she walks by! She drives me crazy but I get some pleasure out of the fact that she is so despised at the mall because she was so horrible and pushed all of her good friends out of her life. So those are the different kinds of mall rats, I hope you enjoyed my stories :P

1/9/2013

I wonder what he's thinking, standing there in front of me, looking into the eyes of everyone in their seats. What runs through his mind as he looks at us? The different look on everyone’s face. Whether pain and desperation, or a longing gaze, and some just a blank heartless stare. Does he see this? Or are we all just a student that he has to get through high school? God I wish I knew. I wonder how many teachers who say they care actually do. Or if they tell us that they care about our little problems then go home and complain to their husband or wife about stupid high schoolers and their petty problems. Our problems are bigger than they look, I know they seem small in the eyes of adults, but really in high school we encounter things that adults don't all experience everyday at work or home. We are constantly being emotionally abused, being told we aren't good enough, some of us physically and verbally abused. We are in a place of constant judgement, of constantly being told we aren't good enough. I think that adults should step back and remember how hard it was as a teenager to be made fun of because you didn't wear the right shoes one day, or because your makeup just didn't look right or wasn't done. Or because you just don't have the money to afford the current looks. Everyone should step back and look at our "petty little problems"  and realize, they aren't as small as they look. We live in a harsh and cruel world and we all need to stop being so hard on everyone. Don't push someone away because they don't live up to your standards or they mess with your look, or because you just feel as though because they are pretty they must be mean. Don't judge someone before you know them guys, they could be the most amazing person you've ever met. I know because I struggle with this everyday. People take one look at me and instantly put a label on me, I’m instantly the conceded b****. The girl who takes advantage of what she's got, but I don't let it stop me, I pursue people anyways, I make them give me a chance, and if they don't like me after they get to know me, then that's okay and i'm fine with that :) But guys, seriously don't put a label on someone before you get to know them, everybody deserves a chance to prove themselves, who knows, they might end up being your best friend! It’s happened to me before and I wouldn't wish that upon anybody, LOVE EVERYBODY BECAUSE EVERYBODY DESERVES TO BE LOVED!!!!! :D

738 words

Every once in awhile we are forced to learn lessons, lessons that we don't feel need to be learned. Sometimes we will make a mistake that we don't consider one, but when somebody else points it out to us and we look at it from a different point of view, it really may have been a mistake, and then we realize the failure on our part.

Life takes us all in hundreds of different directions, some of us will be the most popular in high school, but after graduation wont know how to take care of themselves and will end up working at Taco Bell the rest of their lives. Others will be the quiet, kept to themselves kind, but in the near future will be running businesses, running for president or even becoming some famous celebrity. I never want to be the girl that counts on her high school years to take her somewhere in life. Someone once told me to take advantage of my looks and let it take me as far as I can go. But that isn't me, I want to know that I worked for what I have, i've never wanted to be the girl that had everything given to her, i've always been the type to earn my keep, or at least try my best. Expecting everything to be handed to you will get you absolutely nowhere in life, and if it does I just think that is sad and pathetic, and that when you are laying there in your last few minutes of life, you will not be proud of the life you've lived. You wont be able to say that you always worked hard and you earned what you had, you will just have been a lazy princess who got what she wanted. You were a spoiled brat who complained when mommy didn't buy you the necklace you wanted for your birthday. That is not the kind of person I ever want to be.

I tend to try my best to get along with everyone I can, but there are a few types of people that I absolutely can't stand. The kind of person that complains, 24/7, no matter what you say they are complaining. I have a friend who does this. He is completely spoiled, goes out to eat every night, his mom, whom doesn't make much money spends every penny she has on him to get him new sweaters or a new piercing or pay for his gas. His dad gets him free concert tickets through his company to any concert he wants to go to, and for some reason, every single time I see him, all he does is scream at people about how much he hates his life and how he has the worst luck and that people judge him too much and that he was forced to go out to dinner with his dad. It drives me absolutely over the edge, and when someone tries to talk about their lives to him he always finds a way to cut them off and somehow relate it to a story in his life, even though half the time you can tell he is just making up the story to fit in. I finally decided to move away from his group because I just couldn't take his complaining anymore, it was too overwhelming and brought my attitude down every single morning. So I moved to a different group, which just so happened to be the group of people that he hated most. I assumed I was safe from him here. But instead he started talking to them and trying to take my friends away as he does with anybody I hang out with. he started hanging out with my friends and telling them he loved them and trying to make me miserable. Thats another thing he does, because he isn't happy, he doesn't like to see other people happy, I have watched him sabotage several of my friends relationships because if he can't have a boyfriend than nobody else can. He is such a toxic person and not a real friend, and this is the kind of person that sometimes I just hope will fall off the face of the earth. And I am forced to sit across from him every single morning. But I will just keep having to put up with it, only five more months!!!

Magnet Poem

Spray water want to be in egg fluff beneath lake.

January 1st, 2014 (516 words)

Well its a new year, I don't have the time to catch up on EVERYTHING i've missed when it comes to blogging, but i'm going to do my best. I wasn't blogging because I was too busy with my job with a boss that forced me to work more than I was legally aloud. I was averaging 30-35 hours a week on top of my everyday schooling. I would go to school at 7:00-3:45 most days and head straight from school to work everyday so i worked 4:30-9:00. Then I worked normally 9 hours on Saturdays and Sundays and with the little bit of free time I had I would spend time with my family. Homework was not an option for me. But I had to pay my bills so ya gotta do whatcha gotta do ya know? If I would ask for a day off and explain to my boss that I was working way more than I was legally aloud he would get mad at me and make me feel guilty, I think he was a little bit mentally abusive because he knew how to make me feel bad for leaving him there to work alone. So thus I worked and worked and worked, and now I have to do my best to get back on track to graduate. I quit my job on the 23rd and left out of town to spend time with my family in LA till the 1st. It was so nice to get away and not work everyday but now it's crunch time. i have 13 days to catch up on EVERYTHING i've missed in school! I have a novel to do as much as I can, blogging to attempt to catch up on, a semester project that I had to change last minute for Civics, a magazine to make for Fashion Merchandising and online homework to catch up on for Personal Finance. I also have to spend this next week or two trying to find a new job, one that wont abuse their authority and mess with my schooling but still pay my bills! I am so stressed! But I can do this! I know I can!
But the hardest part during this whole thing was Mr. Anderson always telling me to find a way, but nobody could come to understand that there really was NO WAY. I did what I could, but I wasn't getting enough sleep, as a matter of fact I was so sleep deprived that I felt sick every single day, and because of that I couldn't remember to do my homework. It was the last thing on my mind until i'd wake up in the middle of the night stressed that I didn't do it and i'd have to try to get it done in the first few minutes of class. But i'm free now, so please wish me luck! 500 words a day is a lot tougher than 250 but I will do my absolute best! Because there is absolutely no way I wont graduate on time! That is NOT an option!

September 17th, 2013 (507 words)

You know that feeling where you are certain you are going to get in trouble for something, like there is no possible way they could find out but the way they look at you makes you just know that somehow, in this crazy mess of lies they put the pieces together? But at the end of the day they don't say anything? And really they still don't have a clue? I was just thinking about how our feelings about something or our suspicions can make somebody else's actions and words seem so incredibly different. I've noticed this with myself, like when I don't like somebody, I read into every little thing that they say and do, if they look at me it is instantly that they were looking me up, or giving me some dirty snarl. or if they say something to me, it's just to make themselves look good for the people standing around. But although at some points i read into it a little too much, i'm normally pretty spot on correct!

 I've gotten to the point of being sick of some certain people. They try to ruin my friendships and interfere with my life, and for no reason. Just for their own entertainment and immaturity. But the funny thing is that by them being so rude and stupid, it has only caused them to lose friends and encouraged me to pull my friends closer. I went through a phase of just having the stupidest friends and I was just not in a good place AT ALL. But once this school year started, I fell into a new realm. I have mad TONS of new good friends who care about me and love me the way I am. It is so amazing and I never go a morning anymore without somebody texting me just to say good morning or let me know that they love me. It is the best feeling in the world! I don't think i've ever been so happy in my life! I've grown up my whole life having people thrown in and out of my life, and now, even though i know that only maybe two or three or possibly none will stick around, i'm okay with it and going to enjoy the time I have with them now as best as I can! And it's my senior year so might as well live life on the crazy side a little bit right? ;)

When I write it is normally my personal feelings that I don't write for other people to read, so I get sooooo behind on my blogging, but from now on i'm going to put aside my personal writing and stay up on my blog, it is my definite goal for this year! And when I can finally start my novel it will make it much easier to post on my blog! My nano idea is so great! Like I am so majorly pumped about it! I can't wait to start writing it and to get it published!

Dream Story :)

Dear Diary,

      I'm bored in physics class with nothing to do, so here I am! I went to my Math Leat meet competition last weekend. We took 4th in the nation! Staying at the hotel with my closest math leat friends was so much fun! We quizzed each other on geography till 10PM!  If our parents found out we stayed up that late being so unproductive they would ground us for sure! Then....the....next...day....we..........................
Mckenna's head slipped out of her hands and onto the desk.
*fade into dream*

"Hey Joe! Pass the bottle this way!" Carl hollered across the hotel room.
"Mckenna! Alex! Why don't you pretty ladies come spin the bottle with us!" Carl said adding a flirty wink and a flip of his shaggy brown hair. Mckenna and Alex looked at each other. Carl always seemed a little attractive if you took away the abundance of pimples and the constant flow of white flakes from his hair. The girls nodded in agreement sat down in a circle with their math leat buds.
"Alright Mckenna, you spin first!" Joe announced. So she adjusted her pink sequin top and spun it.
"OHHHHH!!!!" Everybody screamed in laughter as the bottle slowly chose Alex to be her kiss. They stared each other in the eyes. What Mckenna didn't know was that Alex had always had some feelings for her but never knew how to convey them. Heart pounding Mckenna leaned in to Alex while sliding her hand up her thigh.

"PROBLEMS 32 THROUGH 96 ARE DUE TUESDAY! THAT'S TWO DAYS FROM NOW! Have a nice lunch kids!" The teacher screeched quickly jerking Mckenna out of her unusually frightening dream.

"Well diary.... I will never look at Alex the same...."

September 14th, 2013

Writing has been so hard for me lately, I am working on some stuff but it just isn't enough to meet my 500 words a day :/
Life has become so difficult in the easiest way lately. I'm so sick of people dropping in and out of my life like I don't have feelings, but on the other side i've learned to just brush it off because if they were worth my tears and heartache then they wouldn't treat me the way they do.

So a little bit about me for you new Creative Writers!
My name is Adriel, I am a cat person so don't ever mistake me for a dog kinda girl, they're cute but they're too much work! Fashion is my world, I live it and breathe it, but don't get me wrong, give me a mud hole and I will play in it! I love to hang with the boys where there are no worries, I will skateboard, paintball, dirtbike, throw around a ball, whatever as long as everybody is happy doing it! I love people but if you cross me I wont pretend to be your friend. I like food. A lot. Give me a bag of chips and they will be gone within the hour. I spend too much of my time on Netflix... The Office, The Walking Dead, Ugly Betty, Gossip Girl, 9O21O, Pretty Little Liars, Monk, The Dick Van DIke Show, anything, you name it, I probably watch it! I am a zombie junkie, I love everything to do with zombies, I have my zombie apocalypse plan, my backup apocalypse plan, and my backup backup plan... I have a 13 year old sister whom I am VERY protective of and I am not afraid to sit down and have a conversation with any boy that tries to mess with her. I have an older brother in the Air Force who I love very much, and I have the most amazing parents! I have a cat named Milo and he is my baby and if anything ever happened to him I would have to buy 50 cats to make up for him. I also have two dogs that are good dogs... but as I said, not much of a dog person. I also have the most AMAZING boyfriend in the whole world, I don't know why I ever wasted any time on any other guy, I wish I had known him so long ago! But flirt with him and I will throw a fit and we will have some serious problems! I'm not scared of too many things, but mostly birds... owls mostly, i am deathly afraid of owls... I have awesome friends that I would do anything for :) I love to write and it's one of my only ways to let my feelings out, but sometimes when I have to write because somebody tells me I have to, it stresses me out and just becomes so hard. hmmmm what else? Well I will admit I used to be one of the most judgmental and rude people you would have ever met. But one day I just decided it was time to change and I did. I'm such a different person now and I will always do my best not to make you feel judged! And I wont base my opinions on what other people say about you until I get to know you myself :) I will always give you the benefit of the doubt :D Anywayssss I think I definitely reached my 500 words! Have a great night everybody! <3

XOXO
        Adriel <3

September 11th, 2013

It stalks me like its prey.

Beats me down like the desert sun.

Counts my every breath.

Watches my every move,

takes away everything dear to me.

There will be no survivors.

We are all helpless victims.

Hope is a delicacy.

Despair is a plague.

The earth in which we live on is relentless.

It wont give up until every smile has faded.

It watches me day and night.

Soon I will fall to its feet.

Be buried in its dirt.

And I will be another failure for mankind.

But a victory for the earth. 

-Adriel McCuan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember when I said I couldn't live without you?

That my heart would stop beating?

Or when I told you I could never love another?

Well my love...

I'm still alive,

my heart is still beating.

And I know I will love again.

-Adriel McCuan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Her name is Regret.

She seems to have become a very close friend.

She is always there whether I want her or not.

If I have no need for her,

she will make one.

She thrives off my pain.

It is her fuel.

The only thing keeping her going.

Without my misery she is lost.

So she will stop at nothing to destroy me.

No matter what I do.

No matter how hard I try.

She will never leave.

Thus,

I am Hopeless.

-Adriel McCuan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I tried to pass a test with no right answers.

To win a game with no end.

A riot with no purpose.

Your love was hopeless.

There was no purpose.

Your love is equal to a test with no answers.

A waste of time. 

-Adriel McCuan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She takes much pride in her beauty. She wears it and she flaunts it. She is absorbed in it. To talk about something other than herself would be too out of the ordinary. She has the body, the clothes, hair, lashes, nails, makeup, she's got it all. But do not be deceived, for this girl is not beautiful, her heart is dark, it is selfish and it's intentions are rarely for the good of others. She is a sight to wake up to, but a burden to come home to. She does not care for your love, but how good you can make her feel and the appearance you give her. Do not chase a girl for her fleeting figure, because underneath is a profane heart and poisonous intent. Instead pursue a woman, one with a beautiful and everlasting heart filled with love and selflesness. For that my friend, is a beautiful woman, one that is a joy to come home to and an escape from life's trials. Chase a woman, not a girl. 

-Adriel McCuan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm caught in a web of my own broken dreams... 

September 10th, 2013

The locked door behind the locked door...

I know not what is behind my second door, but what I do know is that it will be a challenge to unlock. The last door was hard, and this one will only be more difficult. I feel like an open book with myself, but i'm sure there is something new to learn about myself. Something fantastic to remember, something that will change my outlook on life. 

But I think that when I do get that door open, that there will be somebody behind it. Somebody holding a book. One book, filled with everything about me, everything I do and don't want to know. I do know that when that door is opened it will unlock countless secrets. And I will not like seeing them be revealed. So altogether, I am nervous for this year, i'm scared to unlock any more doors. They are chained up for a reason, I put them back there and threw away the key to never be found again, because I wanted them locked away. Opening them up will hurt, and it will be disheartening, but it's what needs to happen. 

Secrets were never made to stay a secret.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just another ring around the tree, 

that's what you are.

A single blade of grass,

no different than the others.

Nothing but a pinch of salt in the ocean.

Just another phase in my life

-Adriel McCuan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pure nothingness,

not a taste on my tongue,

not a thought in my mind. 

Nothing can please me.

The only craving I have is for joy.

I know not why I feel this way....

Then again,

I don't really feel anything.

Pure nothingness.

A world with no color.

No light.

Like a dark hole that never ends. 

I feel no warmth from the sun beating down on my skin.

I don't even feel the wind that looks to be whipping through my hair.

I feel nothing.

Pure Nothingness.

-Adriel McCuan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The teller of time.

The proof of hard work.

the holder of reality.

The hands of a mother.

A story.

A tale of wisdom and love.

-Adriel McCuan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A smile is the sun on a stormy day.

A glimmer of hope when you can't get out.

A soft voice when you feel so alone.

A smile is an oasis in a forgotten desert.

-Adriel McCuan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They don't listen to my screams in the night.

They don't care.

My words are nothing but a faint whisper in the breeze to them.

They don't love,

they don't feel.

They want me to feel alone.

Empty.

Hopeless.

-Adriel McCuan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tears over run by rage.

Remorse taken over by revenge.

Gave you the key to my dreams.

And you used it to lock them away.

-Adriel McCuan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Every word that leaves your lips.

Every syllable just drives the knife in.

Deeper into my chest.

Please kill me already,

this pain is too much for me.

I'm too weak.

I lost all power to fight back.

Your words have over taken me.

There's no turning back now.

What's done is done.

I'm done. 

-Adriel McCuan

September 9th, 2013

Her lethal words attack me like a starving pack of wolves.

She cute me open and prepared me for the end.

Her cold colorless eyes locked with mine,

as her lifeless pale fingers combed through my hair.

"You did this to me."

She shoved her lies down my throat.

Her words wrapped themselves around my lungs,

they tightened their grip.

I struggled and gasped for air,

but they were relentless.

Her lies slowly suffocated me.

Her lies killed me.

-Adriel McCuan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A flash flood came,

and in the blink of an eye,

gone.

Every last one,

lost.

No explanation,

no reason,

nothing I could do to stop it.

And that's it.

One by one,

they all washed away.

Friends are not to be taken for granted.

Because at any moment,

they can all wash away, 

even on the sunniest of days.

-Adriel McCuan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tired of the lies,

everything is a lie.

You wear too many faces.

Too many lies.

You are a lie.

-Adriel McCuan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well another wonderful year has started, my last year in highschool. Awhhhh the sweet feeling of senior year! Graduation is just a hop an a skip away! I'm geared for success this year! Apply to colleges, keep my grades close to godliness, stay out of trouble.... ok well maybe not so much that... But i'm going to try my hardest! My life is ready to take off!!! I'm ready to grow up and start taking on some more responsibilities and to earn and work for the things I want! I wanna make a difference in the world, I don't know how, but I don't want to sit back and just watch things happen and stay tucked away in my cozy comfortable life. I may not be well known, but I want to help people, because everybody deserves a second chance at life. 

But either way! I'm super excited for this year! It's going to be awesome! I'm ready to write all year! And i'm prepared for some NANO this year!!!! :D 

Mayb 28th, 2013 (206 words)

Oh hunny, you think you can do that? Well you can't.
You think you can throw your friends on the ground and stomp on us, laugh at us and betray us, and then you can just sit with us and everything will be fine? Oh HELL NO!!! Let me just put this out here plain and simple. We don't like you, we don't want you around, we don't want you in our lives. You are a lying, backstabbing, manipulative psycho b****. That's what we think, all of us. I think it's sad what you've done to yourself, you tore yourself down, and turned everybody against yourself. And now you are trying to get friends through sympathy? hahaha that's funny, you know what else it is? Pathetic. You are the most two faced person i've ever met in my life, so it's time for you to get out of here, because we don't want you. You better watch out before I lose my temper.



"I miss you like drama queens and cat fights and braces on prom night
i miss you like boy bands and cheap cologne, our song and chaperones and all the other things that i've outgrown"

Miss You Being Gone by The Band Perry

May 21, 2013 (267 words)

Time flies too fast at the end of the school year, i'm not sure how much more I can take. I just need to be done and get out of here... I have grown to hate this school more than anything. There is a certain group of of who have always been in the "keep watch" group for teachers, we make one move and we are instantly analyzed and asked what we are doing. Something happens at school and all the fingers are pointed at us. I'm sick of it, it needs to stop.

Also the dress code... ugh it pisses me off! I got in trouble recently for a skirt that met requirements, the teacher even told me it did, then she told me that it just looked good and might be distracting! What am I supposed to do?!? Dress like a freaking pilgrim?!? Then there's this one girl in one of my classes and she wears little boxer shorts EVERYDAY! And guess what? She has never gotten in trouble! EVER! I am about to lose my mind! This school does not work by the rules, I follow the rules and I still get in trouble! The dress code works like this:

Oh, you look good in that! Go change.
Or.
You have a big butt and those pants make it look good. go change.
NO MORE!!!! I don't care anymore!
They make their rules by how they feel and I wont stand for it anymore! I've been picked on by this school since 8th grade year! And I wont put up with it anymore! AHGHIDAHJGEOUAHGUIEOHGE........

May 20th, 2013 (345 words)

I live a pretty average life, I hang out with my friends on weekends, go to school, spend time with my family. I don't have anything amazing that I do to brag about, i'm not some competitive swimmer going on to big colleges, or an actress or a singer. But what I am is what I love, a writer. Writing is my outlet, some people say writing is their hobby, but not for me, it's my way of life. I live and breathe it, I think about it every moment of every day. Writing is my best friend, my safe place, the only one who wont tell my secrets or betray me, Writing has helped me discover myself and who I am and what I want to be. When I write I am no longer Adriel,  that girl from school that loves clothes, I am ADRIEL the girl that lives every day as though it is her last, that makes everyday an adventure, ADRIEL who is always right there when people need her, someone who serves a purpose in this world. When I write, I know who I want to be, I know what I want to do, and who I am. Everything is so much simpler on paper, the things that I can't figure out in life, all I need is a pen and paper and i've got them all figured out. And life is so much more beautiful when you write about it. Such as, a flower is no longer a flower, it is a symbol of joy and of life, and it shows that life does end, some gradually die in their own time and some are crushed under the shoes of other people, or chopped by a lawn mower before it's their time to go. They show that people will use you just like the bees use their pollen, but it's the way life is. See? Writing is a new way of life. Writing saved my life. Without it, I would just be Adriel, but because of writing I am ADRIEL!

March 16th, 2013 (85 words)

Pure nothingness, not a taste on my tongue, not a thought in my mind. Nothing can please me, the only craving I have is for joy. I know not why I feel this way. Then again, I don't really feel anything. Pure nothingness. A world with no color, no light. Like a dark hole that never ends. I feel no warmth from the sun beating down on my skin, I don't even feel the wind that seems to be whipping through my hair. PURE NOTHINGNESS.

March 15th, 2013 (533 words)

What would drive a person to betray everyone that loves them?

I usually refrain from blogging about other people, but this is just something that I need to write about. Maybe writing about it will give me some clarity.

I had a friend, one that meant more than the world to me. She was the one person in this world that I had trusted with EVERYTHING. She knew every single one of my darkest secrets. But one day, out of no where she freaked out on me. No one has ever said such cruel things to me before that night. It was all over text and I couldn't take the drama anymore, (another close friend was mad at me to and texting me about it) So i turned my phone of for the night. The friendship came to a complete stop without a word being spoken between us. I was crushed. I lost my best friend and hadn't the slightest clue why.
Then I started hearing things, from EVERYONE, things that nobody knew about me except for her. And all of a sudden other people knew my deepest secrets. Soon i came to the horrifying realization... Everything that I had told this girl, the one person I trusted... She told other people... Someone that wasn't even my friend yet told me everything she knew about me.. But it gets worse, half of these things weren't even true! Then I s tarted hearing all the horrible rumors this girl had spread about me. What was wrong with her? It was so scary to hear all the crazy things that she was making up about me. I also soon realized that she was doing it to others now. She was telling their secrets that they had trusted her with and she was making up out of this world freaky things about them. What had come over her? The longer this went on the more I realized how manipulative and controlling she was. I realized that she had told lies about other people to keep me from being friends with them. And it worked.

Now she has lost everyone, all her best friends, none of us want anything to do with her anymore. We all still love her and care about her, but friendship will never be an option again for her. I could never be friends with someone so untrustworthy, someone who lies about me, and especially not someone so controlling.

It's like she has a disease, one that forces her to hurt and betray people. She ripped apart so many peoples lives. And now she things that a simple apology will make it ok? NO! She is going to have to show that she is sorry before any of us even start to consider letting her back into our lives. If we ever do. I don't think I will quite honestly.

Well it certainly felt good to vent, but i don't think i'll ever find clarity. I think it's because there is no excuse for  treating people so horribly. But what i did find is forgiveness, I forgive her for hurting me, I still want nothing to do with her, but I forgive her.

March 14th, 2013 (389 words)

I have had a weird thing about dreams lately, so here is some stuff that I wrote down about dreaming.

Have you ever waken up from a dream and thought that it was so random it made no sense? That it was so unrealistic and out of this world?

Well have you ever thought that maybe it is perfectly normal and makes complete sense? But we are too restricted in our thoughts that we find these dreams to be completely unrealistic? Dreaming is the only time when every locked door in our brain opens, the only time that our mind is free to wander.

So maybe these things are so real that we don't realize it because we don't know how to let our thoughts roam wild and be what they want.
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Dreams bring back old fears and instill so many new fears in me. I've had two dreams lately that have seriously scared the living shit out of me.

I had one that a very close family friend tried to rape me... It was so scary, he tried to do it in front of my little sister but someone else came in time that he didn't get to. Then i had another one that two teenage boys broke into my house, and I thought I had heard something in our bonus room so I opened the door to look when I saw them. I ran for the stairs but they grabbed my feet, so I threw my arms around the stair case rail and held on for dear life. I was trying to scream but nothing would come out so nobody could come save me. So they dragged me away and then I woke up.

Both of these dreams were both so horrifying, what would make me dream of such horrible things? I'm honestly a little scared to go to sleep.. but I will keep trying, and maybe these nightmares will eventually go away. But it affects my life everyday, I can't be around that man without thinking of that dream, and being a little bit scared of him, and I have to leave the light on in our bonus room and the doors open as often as I can, and I am always careful to walk by. I sure do hope these go away soon :/

March 13th, 2013 (242 words)

To be free, 

Like a butterfly in a meadow full of daisies,

an indian on the vast plain,

or a dolphin in the clearest of waters. 

It's all i've ever wanted.

To be careless.

Filled with abundant joy and hope,

to be able to walk down the street with no feelings of judgment.

To never have to worry about tomorrow.

Carefree.

Joyful.

Hopeful.

Freedom.

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Do I dare close my eyes?

To throw myself into the inevitable world of dreams?

Uncontrollable thoughts of you in my sleep,

they may just drive me over the edge. 

I knew you were something special when you broke my heart.

Because it hurt more than anything i could imagine.

More than knife in my gut,

or twenty shots in my leg.

It was an emotional pain, 

one that you can't put some stitches on or go to the hospital for.

It was the greatest pain anybody could feel.

I knew you were something special when I told my mama i love you,

and all she could say was "I know darling."

I knew you were something special the moment I realized that when i'm not with you.

I never stop thinking of you.

You persist to follow me into my dreams, 

the one place where I cannot control my thoughts.

The place where I lose all control. 

You became my something special when you told me you loved me.

And guess what?

I love you too. 

March 12th, 2013 (465 words!!!)

I think I just made one of my first big life changing decisions. I've been looking into college like any normal high schooler would, and i've been excited to settle down with a family and have a steady job! But then I realized something the other day. It just hit me like a brick wall! I DON'T WANT TO BE NORMAL! Why should I live my life like everybody else?!? What's the purpose in wasting my money on college? Or having a routine life where I wake up make the coffee go to work come home to my husband, watch a TV show and go to bed? I understand that some people want routine, but I don't want anywhere near it! So here's what i've decided.
I want to travel! I will wait a year after high school, and then I will grab my backpack and go! I will start in Ireland, then make my way South and East and blah blah blah! There is so much world our there! Why shouldn't I experience it? I don't want to wake up knowing what i'll do that day! I want to wake up, put on my backpack and just go wherever my feet take me! How amazing does that sound?!? And if i'm lucky maybe i'll have somebody that would go with me! Other countries are so different than the U.S., like I can't just go somewhere and ask if i can work for a meal, I have to fill out an application, get an interview, then if i'm lucky i'll get hired. But in other countries I can just go to the market and offer my services for the day so I can get some food or a place to sleep! I'm so excited about this! I really think this is how I want to live my life! But there is one thinggggggg, my parents... I don't think they are like determined on me going to college and being successful, but i'm not sure how they would feel about me leaving......

Oh and here's another thing! I've always dreamed of a big and grand wedding! i've always wanted that! I have my whole wedding planned and everything! But then I decided, why should I waste my money on that? When I can spend it on traveling? And then instead of house stuff for my wedding gifts I can just request money for my travels??? Doesn't this just sound fantastic?!? I'm so excited! I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for days! I want to get a map that I can write on and put marks on everywhere I want to go!

Ok :) Thanks for listening to my life plans! have a great night everybody!